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Thursday, December 14, 2006


The common cold-- Group: IV ((+) ssRNA) Family: Picornaviridae. Genus: Rhinovirus.

Scourge of man.

Until now a truly effective treatment has eluded modern medical science. Until now…

I offer the following miracle cure free of charge for the betterment of humankind:

-Lock your door.

-Dim the lights.

-Take four (4) Sudafed.

-Take 800 mg of your favorite analgesic.

-Drink screwdrivers until you have exhausted your supply of orange juice.

-Switch to gin and tonic

-Drink gin and tonic until you have exhausted your supply of tonic water.

-Drink whatever that last beer in the back of the refrigerator is. Do not attempt to figure out how it got there.

-Brew a strong cup of Echinacea tea. Add one ounce of Scotch whiskey. Drink as fast as possible. (This will burn going down.)

-Put on some music. Something slightly bizarre. Brian Eno, CAN, Captain Beefheart, maybe King Crimson. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT play the Velvet Underground. If you do all will be for naught.

-Get into bed. You should be naked save only for a ski cap. Preferably a vintage 1970’s NFL one (One of the “tough” teams: Steelers, Packers, Raiders… a Dolphins or Saints hat will not cut it.)

You will be shaking and sweating profusely by now. This is good. The cold is trying to flee your body in the hope of inhabiting the nearest sane person. Open a window or door a crack to allow the cold to transpose itself to the next unsuspecting passerby.

-You are now cured. Enjoy a restful night’s sleep.

Yours in good health,

Brian David Shuey

Note: You may experience vomiting and abdominal cramping the following morning. This is perfectly normal.

Friday, December 01, 2006


Dear B.S.S.T Members,

I suppose the polite thing to do would be to pretend I was pleased with your performance. And not, as the case will be, call some of you on the carpet publicly. But the fact is this may be the sorriest excuse for a street team ever assembled.

I have some bad news for the following members:

Chris L. from PHOENIX, AZ: I have recently been in contact with the City of Phoenix Chamber of Commerce. Not a soul I spoke to recognized my name. You have had three months now to spread the word about me in that sun-baked hell hole you call home and yet the city fathers still have no idea who I am. MEMBERSHIP: TERMINATED

Steve P. from HARRISBURG, PA: It's Harrisburg, Steve! I GREW UP THERE! Yet, a Lexus-Nexus search of central Pennsylvania publications found no mention of me in the last six months. However that other Brian Shuey-- "renowned" Sprint Car racer and presumed cousin-fucking hillbilly-- received twelve notices. I SHALL NOT PLAY SECOND FIDDLE to some Skoal-chomping dirt track circling Carbona-huffing car monkey! MEMBERSHIP: TERMINATED

Susan R. from MEMPHIS, TN: Susan, the pictures you sent helped your cause a great deal. I was particularly keen on the one of you roller-skating in pigtails with the giant lollypop. That said, I am going to need to see some actual work product from you if I am to continue to keep you on the team. MEMBERSHIP: UNDER REVIEW

Anthony K. from BILLINGS, MT: The news that the local Kiwanis Club is considering erecting a statue of me to honor my many good works is the one bright spot in this otherwise dismal clusterfuck of incompetence. However, I must remind you that the $25 check towards your membership fee has bounced... again. Please attend to this promptly. MEMBERSHIP: SUSPENDED PENDING APPROPRIATE REMUNERATIONS

I will spare the rest of you the embarrassment reserved for those listed above. Suffice it to say, you're all on notice. And by the way, I'm still cleaning my own toilet. Unacceptable!

Your Fearless Leader,

Brian David Shuey