MY LETTER TO THE ALUMNI DIRECTORY

I recently received a mailing indicating that a company in Virginia is compiling an Alumni Directory for my old high school, Central Dauphin (which is in fact, in Pennsylvania.) They included an address in Norfolk or, for my convenience, a toll-free telephone number to reach them. It seems they would really rather not print the directory without my current biographical information. I agree that that would be unfortunate. My immediate response is "urgently requested." What follows is the letter I sent them:


Alvin J. Himmelman
xxxx Nicollet Ave S. #xx
Minneapolis, MN 55404


To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Alvin Himmelman. I am writing you regarding your recent attempts to contact Brian Shuey for the purposes of including him in the Central Dauphin High School Alumni Directory. While Mr. Shuey did at one time reside at the address in your records (he was my roommate) he left Minneapolis for a life on the high seas over six months ago.

The last time anyone heard from him, he was working on a tramp steamer that sailed out of Jakarta. Two months ago the "Lady Macbeth" was reported attacked and boarded by pirates 20 miles out of Medan in the Straits of Malacca. It has not been heard from since.

So it is with regrets that I inform you that Brian Shuey (Personal ID#: JZK0018671-LB) is currently listed by the U.S. State Department as, "whereabouts unknown."

Anyone who knew Brian would tell you that he was a cheap hustler and something of a swine. However, in honor of his memory I have little doubt that he would like to be listed in your directory as, "Whereabouts Unknown. Presumed Lost At Sea." (It would befit his overly dramatic nature.)

At the present time I have no more detailed information than this. However, if you should somehow manage to track him down, please inform him of the following:

-Your dog, "King Vitamin" is dead. It was not my fault. Not surprisingly, it was his fondness for chasing the #18 that finally did him in.

-I never returned those movies to Nicollet Village Video like I said I would.

-Stuff with me and Becky just sort of happened. Neither one of us planned it. Don't be too mad.

-Needless to say, you have been fired from your job.

-Your Mom keeps calling. I just let the machine get it. She sounds worried.

-I broke one of the controllers on your PlayStation. It was the one that kind of stuck anyway.

-You owe me a lot of money for bills. In light of the Becky thing, I'm willing to call it even.


Thank you for your time and attention to these matters. You may feel free to contact me by mail with any further questions.


Best Regards,

Alvin J. Himmelman