THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE BIG TIME! (AND I'VE COMPOSED A "RIDER" TO PROVE IT!)

DIE ELECTRIC! PERFORMANCE CONTRACT AND ARTIST RIDER


1) PAYMENT: DIE ELECTRIC! (Hereafter referred to as ARTIST) demand no less than $25.00 per performance. This amount MUST BE DIVIDED EXACTLY THREE WAYS. As that comes to $8.33333333333... per band member, MANAGEMENT (Hereafter referred to as BABYSITTER) recommends you start dividing pennies well in advance of settling.(A few years ago would have been a good time to have started.)

2) TRANSPORTATION TO THE PERFORMANCE VENUE: (Hereafter referred to as VENUE or SHITHOLE) Transportation shall be the responsibility of ARTIST. SHITHOLE must provide nearby (within 23 blocks) parking. SHITHOLE will also be responsible for providing ARTIST with a clean 3-foot(91.5cm)length of RUBBER HOSE for siphoning fuel from nearby vehicles. SHITHOLE will also be responsible for providing one (1) bottle of Original Listerine. NO SUBSTITUTIONS ACCEPTABLE!!!

3) ARRIVAL AT THE VENUE: ARTIST will arrive at VENUE no more than 1/2 hour after the performance was scheduled to begin. VENUE STAFF (Hereafter referred to as THOSE DAMNED TO WALK THE EARTH IN ETERNAL MISERY or THE ONES WHO DREAM OF THE 4 A.M. FROZEN PIZZA/PLAYSTATION 2 ORGY or simply, THE DAMNED) should treat ARTIST in as surly a manner as possible. BABYSITTER will then impotently attempt to intervene, while ARTIST will smoke, drag feet maddeningly and become distracted by any bright, shiny object(s) or female(s) exhibiting secondary sex characteristics. ARTIST will then stupidly ask if there will be a SOUND CHECK. The SOUND MAN (hereafter referred to as HE WHO IS THE MOST DAMNED OF ALL) will be expected to clench fists, shake head and walk away before losing his cool.

4)BACKSTAGE/DRESSING ROOM REQUIREMENTS: The backstage area (hereafter referred to as THE UTILITY CLOSET or IMPOSSIBLY CRAMPED BASEMENT or HALLWAY NEXT TO/BEHIND STAGE or BUSTED OUT PORTION OF WALL TO SHOVE COATS INTO or simply, HOLE IN THE SHITHOLE) should conform to the following requirements:

a) CLEANLINESS: Only trace amounts of vomit, blood, urine or feces should be detectable. Any of these contaminants that are sufficiently desiccated to have been left there over a week prior will be tolerated. However, THE DAMNED should make all reasonable attempts to hose-off any fluids (vomit, particularly) left behind by the all-ages band that played SHITHOLE only hours before and snuck a bottle(s) of JIM BEAM in with predictable results.

b) CLIMATE CONTROL: Regardless of season, HOLE IN THE SHITHOLE should be either UNBEARABLY HOT or IMPOSSIBLY COLD. No "new" air should have been allowed to circulate into the room since the Reagan Administration.

c) SUNDRIES: To ensure the best possible performance from ARTIST, the following items should be provided: (NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!!!!)


-(4) Cases of canned domestic beer
-(1) 1 lt. bottle of olive oil
-(1) tub of CLEAN ice (for olive oil)
-(1) box of kitchen matches.
-(1) .45 caliber automatic
-(2) boxes of ammunition
-(4) days concentrated emergency rations
-(1) drug issue: (containing: antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills)
-(1) miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible
-(100) dollars in Rubles
-(100) dollars in gold
-(9) packs of chewing gum
-(1) issue of prophylactics
-(3) lipsticks
-(3) pairs of nylon stockings

5) BABYSITTER'S OFFICE: Must be directly adjacent to ARTIST'S dressing room. Should be at least 3'x 4'. MUST CONTAIN A CLEAN GARBAGE CAN.
MUST BE ADEQUATLY SOUND-PROOFED TO:

a) Prevent BABYSITTER from having to endure ARTIST set.

b) Prevent ARTIST from hearing BABYSITTER'S pathetic, mournful whimpering as he contemplates the many missteps that landed him in his current, unbearable position. (And any ensuing gunshots.)

6) SETTLING: At the close of the evening, VENUE will present BABYSITTER with three (3) clean, white envelopes containing the aforementioned payment. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD PAYMENT BE GIVEN TO ARTIST!!!!! (You have been warned!!!!)


NOTE: NON-COMPLIANCE WITH ANY OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED CONDITIONS WILL CONSTITUTE BREACH OF CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!




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