MY INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE W. BUSH (PT. 1)

(8.16.06)

Note: What follows is an interview I conducted with President Bush in the west wing of the White House in mid-August of 2006. BDS

BDS: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

GWB: Call me George. No wait, call me "Thumper." That's what they called me in school. You wanna know why?

BDS: I suppose I could guess.

GWB: Wait, this is "on the record," right? That's the one where you can print whatever I say?

BDS: It is.

GWB: Better go with "George," then. Or, "President George."

BDS: How about just, "Mr. President."

GWB: That'll do 'er!

BDS: Now then, Mr. President. You're half-way through your second term, how would you say things are going?

GWB: I'll tell you Brian, things are going GREAT! We got a new motto here at the White House, "Moving Forward." Things are really moving forward right now. Forward momentum. Like a rocket to the moon.

BDS: Or Mars.

GWB: What?

BDS: You may recall, you announced an initiative to realize the dream of manned exploration of the planet Mars.

GWB: I did?

BDS: Yes, some time ago.

GWB: And how's that going?

BDS: Well, we're not there yet, sir.

GWB: Hmm, guess I better kick a few butts over at NASA. Get 'em "Moving Forward," eh? (chuckles)

BDS: Yes, I'm beginning to see the wisdom of your new approach.

GWB: You know where I got it from, don't ya? From, "Shark Week." You know, on The Discovery Channel. That's Channel 58 on satellite here in D.C. But it's something different down in Crawford. I wish they could do something about that. Every time I go down there I have to flip around forever to figure out which one is The Discovery Channel. And then, when I find it as soon as I change the channel I forget and I can't get back to it without doing the whole dang thing over again. ESPN's the same in both places. It's 32. I don't know why, though.

BDS: So, um... back to Shark Week?

GWB: Oh yeah. So I learned on Shark Week that sharks have to keep moving forward in the water or they'll die.

(In the background:) Aide #1: Except for Nurse sharks, of course.

GWB: What?

Aide #2: Never mind. Its just an "I.F.," sir.

BDS: "I.F.?"

Aide #2: "Inconvenient Fact." They impede forward momentum. They are contra to the President's paradigm. The paradigm requires that the President ignore them. They are dealt with by people like me.

(Aide #1 is led from the room. Door closes. Some muffled noises on the other side.)

GWB: Yeah, so anyway it's something about the air in the water. And I just thought that was really neat and then I thought it would be a heckuva motto for my administration. Now I got pictures of sharks all over the White House. All sorts of different ones. Hammerheads are the scariest, don't you think? Or maybe Great Whites? They have those down in Australia. You know Australia's a member of "THE COALITION OF THE WILLING," right? Hell, they sent eight or nine guys to Iraq. I know it don't sound like much, but if they're all like Mad Max, well then I bet they could really do some damage!

BDS: Perhaps we should have asked the Australians for some of their sharks?

GWB: Now why didn't I think of that? Teddy! (to Aide #3) Get what's-his-nuts on the phone!

Aide #3: Prime Minister Howard?

GWB: Yeah, him. Tell him I want to talk to him about getting some sharks.

Aide #3: Can do, sir!

BDS: So, these shark posters. Did you have a motivational products company make them?

GWB: Hell no! I DID IT MYSELF! It was decided that it was an important initiative. In fact, they thought it was so important that Dick even gave me the code to run the color copier. Want to know what it is?

BDS: Actually, sir I think that...

GWB: Oh, come on. It won't hurt none, as long as you don't PRINT it. It's... (silently mouths a four-number series.)

BDS: Well yes, I can see why...

GWB: Now I can have you killed. You know... (whispers) to protect the secret.

BDS: Ummm...

GWB: Oh hell! Im just messin' with you little buddy! In fact, why don't you go ahead and remember that. I may need to call you about it if I forget. Dick doesn't like to tell me things twice. And I've learned not to ask twice.

BDS: It will be our secret, sir. Now then, if we could move on to the matter of the coming mid-term elections, I'd like to know what you think the biggest challenge to

(Aide #3 interrupts): Sir, I've got Prime Minister Howard on line 3.

GWB: Aw, hell! I better take this now or I'll never remember what it was I wanted to talk to him about. Can you come back next week? We can finish up then.

BDS: Of course, Mr. President. Perhaps we can discuss something other than sharks?

GWB: Whatever. Sharks. BBQ. The war. Shit! Its all good!