MY INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE W. BUSH (PT. 2)

BDS: So, Mr. President, the last time we spoke you were enthusiastically touting your new, "Moving Forward" initiative. How's that going?

GWB: Done. It's a done deal. Dead in the water.

BDS: So I'm guessing you got a letter from...

GWB: Yeah, we got one of those "Seize and Detest" letters from Toyota.

BDS: You mean, "Cease and Desist?"

GWB: Whatever. Harriet's on it. (Ed. Note: White House Counsel Harriet Miers.) She says she thinks we might be able to fight it, but knowing it wasn't really MY IDEA makes me kind of just want to drop the whole thing.

BDS: So you'll be taking down the shark posters?

GWB: Hell NO! Harriet says so long as I cross out the words real good with a magic marker they can stay up. So they're stayin' up! The sharks will remind me to do a little more research before I jump feet-first into something. What can I say, I'm a charger. I charge ahead. It's my nature.

BDS: So you're beginning to think that maybe that's not always the best approach?

GWB: No, I'm still a charger. But now I'm gonna try to be a "cautious" charger.

BDS: So, for instance, Iraq: Charger. Iran: Cautious charger?

GWB: Yeah! Now you're getting it!

BDS: Now last week I tried to discuss this fall's elections. What do you think...

GWB: Whoa! Hold on. There's ELECTIONS this fall? Hell, I ain't even campaigned yet.

BDS: No sir. These are mid-term Congressional elections. You know, House and Senate seats?

GWB: Oh... Well, when am I up for election again?

BDS: Well sir, your term ends in 2008, but the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution prohibits you from running again. A President may only be serve two terms in office.

GWB: Oh, that's right. It's Jeb's turn next.

BDS: I suppose you could serve again if you changed the Constitution.

GWB: Really? You mean it?

BDS: Well, strictly speaking the President doesn't change the Constitution. Congress does it through the process of adding amendments. And then the legislative bodies of the several States must approve. But I suppose there's no harm in bringing it up with them.

GWB: Man, that Constitution's really somethin' else! I should read it sometime. Hey, what if I let Jeb have it for four years, and then I could have it back after him? I'll tell ya, I don't think America is gonna take to him quite the way they took to me.

BDS: I don't see why not. Congress can fashion the amendment to suit that.

GWB: So I take a break for awhile and come back all rested and ready in 2014.

BDS: Actually, it would be 2012.

GWB: 2012! Hot Damn! Ill be 63 years old in 2012, just hittin' my prime.

BDS: Well, in truth you'd be 66.

GWB: Really?

BDS: Yes, sir. You were born on July 6, 1946.

GWB: '46. Really? Huh? Now see, I know my birthday's right after the 4th of July because one birthday I remember having my hand all bandaged-up from a Roman candle thing going wrong. That's before I took the Lord into my heart. You know, back then.

BDS: The drinking days?

GWB: Yeah. Drinking and fireworks are just bad together. Fun though.

BDS: How about the Lord and fireworks?

GWB: They go together just fine.

BDS: So you think Jesus would approve of fireworks?

GWB: I don't think He'd use them himself, but I don't think he'd mind so much if his children did. Except maybe for Roman candles, on account of the trouble he had with Rome.

BDS: Perhaps that's why it was a Roman candle that blew-up in your hand. Maybe He was trying to tell you something.

GWB: Hey! You know, I never thought about it that way. Is there any such thing as Jewish fireworks? You know, "Jewish Candles?"

BDS: Ummm... I think a Jewish candle is a Menorah.

GWB: Never mind. Did you see, "The Passion?"

BDS: Well, to be honest sir, someone spoiled the ending for me so I just skipped it.

GWB: (To Karl Rove, in the other room) Hey! Turd-blossom! Get the projector cranked-up! We're watching "The Passion" again.

BDS: Actually sir, if we could just finish the interview I would...

GWB: Stuff the interview! You ain't leaving here until you see "The Passion." You like Orville Redenbacher?

BDS: The man or the popcorn?

GWB: It's always a fucking question with you, isn't it?