ZOMBIES AND KNIFE-WIELDING LUNATICS (FROM APRIL 12, 2006)

For years now, even if I am not in the mood to put away ALL the dishes, I will at least put any large kitchen knives back in the drawer. I do this because if a lunatic were to break into my apartment, I don't want anything big and sharp to be handy. I mean, if he's going to kill me with my own knife I would really rather he had to root around in the drawer for it.

In fact, I would prefer he bring his own weapon, because I would hate for my last thoughts to be, "You asshole! Why did you have to buy such a good knife?"

"'TOP OF THE LINE-- SHARP AND STURDY,' it said on the box!"

"This prick can stab you all night with this thing and it will never dull or break!"

Then that got me thinking about how a few years ago I took to practicing getting my keys out of my pocket and into the door as quickly as possible. I did this because I figured that if I were being chased by zombies (and they weren't slow, like in the movies) it would be a handy skill to develop. I know that no locked door can keep the zombies out forever, but at least it would provide anyone who happened to be watching with a more dramatic narrative.

Zombies are also the reason that for years I was a bit nervous about not really having the hang of "driving stick." I was convinced that in an attempt to escape the zombies unquenchable lust for brains, I would no doubt find myself behind the wheel of a car with a standard transmission. As I stalled repeatedly I would think, "You asshole! Why didn't get around to learning to drive a stick-shift?" ("And why did you leave your good kitchen knife at home in a drawer?")

So now I can drive a stick with the best of them, am quick with the keys, and all my dangerous cutlery is securely stowed away.

(And yet, I still have trouble sleeping at night...)