JUST IN TIME FOR WEDDING SEASON: "MR. SHUEY'S SHORT GUIDE TO WEDDING ETTIQUITE"

(NOTE: I was tempted to title this, "Weddiquite," but then I remembered that the Marquis de la Fontaine was hanged by Louis XIV in 1682 for making the very same lousy joke. LOOK IT UP!) BDS

ARRIVAL:

Always arrive late, preferably during a key point in the ceremony. Make a lot of noise. Make a fuss. This will reassure the Bride and Groom that the event is a "hot ticket." Lets face it; if it wasn't you would have waited outside until it was over.

HECKLING:

Is generally frowned upon. However, if I have to watch someone cart out the bride's emotionally unbalanced third cousin to read Corinthian's 13:4-8 again I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

"Love is not boastful, arrogant, rude, irritable or resentful?" Really? You could have fooled me. (You see, this is the kind of wisdom you get from a book that talks about invisible people in the sky.)

That said, the Bible's a big book and not without useful advice. For instance, take this little gem from Leviticus: "Never have sexual intercourse with a woman and her daughter or a woman and her granddaughter. They are related. Doing this is perverted."

This passage will help remind the congregants of the importance of family and may serve to keep things from getting too "freaky" at the reception. Then again...

THE RECEIVING LINE:

Unless you really want a better idea of how the bride looks in her dress, skip it. The real line is forming at the bar.

THE RECEPTION:

This is really the Main Event. In fact, I have always thought that the actual wedding should simply be video taped and shown on a loop at the reception. That way, anyone who really wanted to see it can.

YOUR ROLE:

Get drunk. Get drunk fast. In fact, get drunk faster than anybody else. (You wouldn't believe the pressure this takes off the other guests.) Especially the married men. Every one of them has a wife who is fully expecting that it will be HER husband who will be the most drunken, boorish lout in the place. Imagine her surprise and delight when that role is taken on BY YOU! Think of all the arguments you will be preventing! You may, in fact, end up saving some of these peoples marriages. So with each shot you take, quietly tell yourself, "What I do tonight, I do for Love."

MAKE A TOAST:

This is traditionally the purview of the Best Man. However, legendary stories of embarrassing, drunken wedding toasts have caused grooms to become notoriously safe in choosing their best men. The result is predictable, bland, overly sentimental toasts. This is where you come in. Inject a little edginess into the affair. Drop a bomb, so to speak. For instance, if you happen to know the groom to be gay-- HOW you know is your business-- a toast is a good time to "out" him. This may seem heavy-handed, but I assure you you'll be saving the blissful couple a lot of pain and confusion in the coming years.

While the groom is fair game, whatever your inclinations, NEVER SAY ANYTHING UNTOWARD ABOUT THE BRIDE. I don't hold much to be above scorn, but a bride on her wedding day is. No matter what you may think of her, no matter what you may know, THE BRIDE GETS A FREE PASS.

PERSONS AT THE RECEPTION TO AVOID (OR EMBRACE):

EMBRACE: Any divorced, forty-something aunt chain smoking Marlboro Light 100s from one of those soft leather snap cases and periodically exclaiming, "Whoo Hoo!" I've noticed a tendency for people to steer clear of these woman. That's a mistake. They are my personal favorites. Be a gentleman and see that such ladies are never without a drink. They deserve a good time.

AVOID: Any down-on-his-heels uncle who cant get two words into a conversation without pitching a "sure-fire" business scheme.

AVOID: The Bride's parents. This is a safety measure. They paid for the event, and as a result are the only one's who's opinion of your behavior really matters.

AVOID: All children. Scrubbed-up and on their best behavior they might end up give you some perverse notions... like having one's of your own.

EMBRACE: Grandmas.

GETTING HOME:

What ever you do, do not drive home in your condition. Getting yourself killed on someone else's wedding night is considered "upstaging" and is quite rude. If you must, sleep in your car. Cops are surprisingly patient with people sleeping in their cars-- so long as they are well dressed. (Oddly, this is something the Kennedy's never really learned.)

Good luck, and enjoy the wedding season.