33 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND THE WORLD AROUND ME

Today is my thirty-third birthday. In honor of that, here are, “33 Things About Myself and The Word Around Me!” by Brian David Shuey. Enjoy.

-”Scrubbing Bubbles” really do. Everything else in this life is a lie.

-As long as you are relatively healthy there is no point in regretting anything. If you had made different choices you might be so overwhelmingly satisfied with your life that you’ll stroll blissfully into the street and completely miss the #4 Bus that is headed straight for you. Think about it.

-I sometimes think going deaf wouldn’t be such a bad thing if it meant never having to overhear another stultifying dull conversation.

-You can write a screenplay about undead samurai racecar drivers who like to solve complex mathematical problems in their spare time, but don’t expect anyone to want to make a movie out of it.

-If you find yourself at a party and you absolutely have to fart, go stand next to the fattest person in the room. Everyone will assume they did it.

-The Clash selling Jaguars? Ramones selling phones? Both were hard to take, but to see The Muppets whoring themselves out for Pizza Hut was more than I could bear.

-Mechanical pencils are bullshit and should be thrown away.

-Take the Kerry-Edwards stickers off your cars. You backed a bum horse. You don't have to be proud of it.

-On a similar note, I was briefly connected with "Patty Wetterling for Congress.” The day after she lost the election I dropped her like a stone. I don't associate with losers.

-It is a well-known fact that I walk much faster than the average person. Sometimes when I am passing people on crutches, in wheelchairs or those who are otherwise infirm I secretly fear that they think I am "showing off." As a result I tend to slow my pace. I don't think this really benefits either party. Still, I can't help doing it.

-Don’t loan me books. I’m real hard on them.

-There are maybe a dozen people in the world at any given time who are doing worthwhile “installation art.” The rest of you hacks need to knock it off already.

- I miss cassette tapes. I really miss TDK-SA90s and Maxell XLIIS 90's. You could beat the shit out of those Maxell’s and they would always play. No one can convince me that any recording could sound better than an LP dubbed at a slightly elevated recording level and played back on a well-maintained mid-1980's Alpine car tape deck. At least I've never heard music sound better. (Note: Dolby NR is for sissies.)

-When an individual employs the phrase, "We'll see you later." It makes me think the that person is mentally unbalanced.

-Chicks love T-Rex.

-It’s clear I don‘t know much about British “sport” when I read a headline like, “Uncapped Joyce Wins Ashes Call-up.” What could that possibly mean?

-I once had a friend confess to me that he was taking “hip-hop” dance lessons. We are not friends anymore.

-I am very active in the M.W.C.O.T.A.P.O. community. In fact, I am its only member since I have never shared with anyone the true meaning of the acronym. But trust me, we’re a very kinky crowd.

-I was born at the following map coordinates: 40.240ºN by 76.920ºW. To this day nothing green will grow there and children whisper as they pass.

-Despite conventional wisdom on the subject I do in fact have one tattoo. It is on the bottom of my right foot and it records the results of two track and field events (long jump/ 100-yard dash) I participated in at the Linglestown Elementary School May Fair in the spring of 1981: I placed FIRST in both. I fear this will go down as the most successful day of my life. At least in terms of “ribbons won.”

-I’ve been told on more than one occasion I have excellent taste in women’s jewelry. I don’t know what to make of that.

-To all prostitutes in the Whittier neighborhood: Please continue to use the front stoop of my building to ply your trade. I plan on using your activities as leverage should my landlord try to increase the rent.

-I have a PlayStation II-- but only one video game for it. It’s a game where you kill Nazis. I enjoy it immensely.

-I have two African violets. One is named, “Jeeves,” the other I call “Wooster” or “Bertie.” Of all the uncool things about me this may be the uncoolest

-It’s time to reevaluate the word, “cool.” I recently overheard an elderly lady in a sweater with a gigantic owl embroidered on its front remark to her companion, “That sure was cool!” To which the second lady—of similar vintage and equally questionable taste in fashion replied, “You betcha’ it was cool!” I have no idea to what they were referring, but if whatever it was was cool then “cool” just ain’t cool anymore.

-The mere act of walking into an office supply store fills me with the overwhelming desire to start my own business. Luckily, the feeling fades quickly.

-To all recent immigrants to the United States: Welcome! I’m excited to have you here and I hope things go well for you. I ask only one favor, please try to remember that there is no haggling in America! Sears is not a suq. Marshall’s is not a Mercado. That laundry soap is $6.99 and no amount of gesticulating on your part is ever going to change that. The people behind you in line have other stuff to do today. Again, welcome and good luck.

-I have never understood why loose-leaf chewing tobacco is offered for sale at convenience stores in major metropolitan areas. It’s the city. Who’s buying this stuff?

-Why is it the first thing some dolt says when they spill something on me is, “I’m so sorry, I’ll pay for the dry cleaning.” As if anyone has t-shirts and jeans dry cleaned. Just to throw them I’m going to start demanding $2 in quarters for the coin-op. Clumsy fuckers.

- Anything NOT written in black ink will be considered invalid.

-Why does the weather take ten minutes? Does anyone really need to be told for the one millionth time what happens when a warm, moist air mass meets a dry, cool air mass along a frontal boundary? I don’t need another primer in meteorology. Just tell me if it’s going to rain, man.

-I am fairly certain I have peed in every natural body of water I have ever swam in.

-This is #33. I’m going to have a beer now, okay?