What follows is a transcript of a telephone interview I conducted with Minnesota State Representative Michele Bachmann, Republican candidate for the U.S. Congress.
BDS: Good afternoon Representative Bachmann, I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me.
MB: GRENN TOOOLK BREEG! NEEEEE! POOT TAMAHK!
BDS: I'm sorry, Mrs. Bachmann. I think there may be a problem with our connection...
MB: BLLEECHK! OOGLE! BLEECK DOOF!
BDS: Mrs. Bachmann?
(muffled noises, a male voice takes over)
MV: I apologize, Mr. Shuey. The Candidate is speaking in tongues again.
BDS: Does she do this often?
MV: Only when Our Lord and Savior is communicating through her.
BDS: Wait, that was Jesus? I thought it was Klingon.
MV: They're actually quite similar.
BDS: So, for the uninitiated, what was it Jesus was saying?
MV: He was just reaffirming his endorsement for Representative Bachmann's candidacy.
BDS: So Jesus is firmly in your camp?
MV: And where else would he be? With Wetterling?
BDS: Well, it's just that I've never really heard of him taking sides before.
MV: Oh, He does. And by the way, when you write "Him," it is properly capitalized.
BDS: Hold on, how did you know I didn't?
MV: Let's just say I know your type.
BDS: Fair enough. So you've got Jesus. Any other big names on board?
MV: Bigger names than Jesus?
BDS: Well, it's just that I've heard Patty Wetterling has Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard behind
her. Maybe Josh Hartnett, too.
MV: They're lightweights! Jesus had the biggest movie in the world two years ago.
BDS: Yeah, two years ago. You know what they say in Hollywood, "What have you done for me lately?"
MV: She's got the First Lady.
BDS: Ha! Laura Bush doesn't put asses in seats. Everyone knows that. I saw her at a Border's Books one time. You could hear crickets.
MV: Listen, the Candidate is confident that The Lord's backing will be enough.
BDS: And how exactly did Mrs. Bachmann secure the Lord's endorsement?
MV: The Candidate and her family joined hands, fasted and prayed for three days.
BDS: So, it was like Martin Luther King kind of thing?
MV: No, he was a Southern Baptist. The candidate and her family attend a very different sort of church.
BDS: Oh, that's right. So, what exactly does a "wealthy suburban mega-church fast" entail?
MV: (long pause)
BDS: Sir?
MV: Mostly imported bottled water and bread from the bakery at Byerly's.
BDS: Wow! It's a miracle they even survived!
MV: I assure you, adjusted for the Bachmann's level of income and ethnic background, it can be quite a transcendental experience of one's faith.
BDS: I'm sure it can! I skipped breakfast one time and had a vision of St. Bernadine of Siena telling me I should be Governor of West Virginia!
MV: Now you're just being smug. It's the arrogance of the godless liberal elite like you that the people of Minnesota will send Representative Bachmann to Washington to combat.
BDS: Elite? I had to crawl over a drunken prostitute just to get into my apartment building this morning. Mrs. Bachmann is a rich-as-shit tax attorney. She lives in a huge house in Stillwater. And suddenly I'm elite? How, precisely does that work?
MV: Wait a moment. You mean to say you're poor?
BDS: Well, I'm not exactly...
MV: Listen, the Candidate doesn't waste time on people who can't even find their own bootstraps. Call back when you've made something of yourself. (click)
BDS: Hello? Hello?
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