MY SURE-FIRE MIRACLE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD

The common cold-- Group: IV ((+) ssRNA) Family: Picornaviridae. Genus: Rhinovirus.

Scourge of man.

Until now a truly effective treatment has eluded modern medical science. Until now…

I offer the following miracle cure free of charge for the betterment of humankind:

-Lock your door.

-Dim the lights.

-Take four (4) Sudafed.

-Take 800 mg of your favorite analgesic.

-Drink screwdrivers until you have exhausted your supply of orange juice.

-Switch to gin and tonic

-Drink gin and tonic until you have exhausted your supply of tonic water.

-Drink whatever that last beer in the back of the refrigerator is. Do not attempt to figure out how it got there.

-Brew a strong cup of Echinacea tea. Add one ounce of Scotch whiskey. Drink as fast as possible. (This will burn going down.)

-Put on some music. Something slightly bizarre. Brian Eno, CAN, Captain Beefheart, maybe King Crimson. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT play the Velvet Underground. If you do all will be for naught.

-Get into bed. You should be naked save only for a ski cap. Preferably a vintage 1970’s NFL one (One of the “tough” teams: Steelers, Packers, Raiders… a Dolphins or Saints hat will not cut it.)

You will be shaking and sweating profusely by now. This is good. The cold is trying to flee your body in the hope of inhabiting the nearest sane person. Open a window or door a crack to allow the cold to transpose itself to the next unsuspecting passerby.

-You are now cured. Enjoy a restful night’s sleep.


Yours in good health,

Brian David Shuey

Note: You may experience vomiting and abdominal cramping the following morning. This is perfectly normal.