2006 RECAP ACTION

Here's a recap of some of the many achievements, honors and awards I garnered in 2006, neatly broken down by month:

JANUARY- I came out of the gate punching-- literally. On January 11 in Tijuana I felled Super-middleweight champ Mikkel Kessler by knockout in the 10th round. But despite the promises of promoter "Gordo" Don Reyes, the bout was not WBA sanctioned and the title continues to elude me. Also, the purse of 10,000 pesos wasn't nearly as lucrative as it sounded. (About $926) I used the money to buy a 1000-ct. bottle of 10 mg Valium tablets. They turned out to be chiclets. I had to hitchhike home. I hate Mexico.

FEBRUARY- Ah, the month of love! Received gushing Valentines from the following persons of repute: Kirsten Dunst, Halle Berry, Kate Beckinsale, Kate Winslet, Kate Blanchett (That's right! The trifecta of British "Kates.") Also, Gwyneth Paltrow, Claire Danes, Michael Richards and Zooey Deschanel. Which reminds me, I have yet to write any of them back.

MARCH- Nothing ever happens to me in March.

APRIL- I was named American League Pitcher of the Month. 3W-1L /1.83 ERA/44 SO. What can I say, I was in the zone.

MAY- Crowned "King of Tulips" at the Orange City, Iowa Tulip Festival. Stripped of the crown while learning the hard way that the "King of Tulips" does not automatically have prerogative to deflower the "Queen of Tulips." Especially when she is the underage daughter of an Iowa State Trooper.

JUNE- Mistakenly received the "Apple Pie Award" for meritorious service from The Million Moms March Committee of Omaha, NE. I did not inform them of their error and in the spirit of irony used the $500 honorarium to purchase a used .38 snub-nosed revolver from out of some guy's trunk

JULY- mensis horribilis! That's a dead tongue, son! --and it does not mean I experienced a difficult menstrual period-- but rather that I endured a terrible month. ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE ADJUSTING OR DISCONTINUING YOUR MEDICATION. Trust me on this one. My diminished condition prevented me from traveling to the Gettysburg National Military Park on the 143rd anniversary of the historic battle to receive my honors as, "Civil War Re-Enactor of the Year." Apparently my portrayal of General Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard is nonpareil.

AUGUST- Awarded "The Golden Twelve Pack" for my efforts in promoting "Canned Beer Month."

SEPTEMBER- Named "Employee of the Month" at the Red Lobster in Wayzata, MN. (Let's face it, not ALL secret lives are exciting ones.)

OCTOBER- Won the Mann Booker Prize for my touching memoir, "Scarf" about being a Pakistani immigrant girl coming of age in 1970’s London.

NOVEMBER- I finally won my first Latin Grammy in the category, "Cancion del Ano" (Song of the Year.) It was for my hit single, "Mi amor es mi corazón y amor para su corazón, bebé." Catchy title, no?

DECEMBER- On December 6th I was awarded the Nobel Prize in chemistry for creating sugar-free methamphetamine. I consider it the crowning achievement in an admittedly exceptional year.


Happy New Year!

BDS