"A FOOL FOR CHRIST" MY INTERVIEW WITH MICHELE BACHMANN

What follows is a transcript of a telephone interview I conducted with Minnesota State Representative Michele Bachmann, Republican candidate for the U.S. Congress.

BDS: Good afternoon Representative Bachmann, I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me.

MB: GRENN TOOOLK BREEG! NEEEEE! POOT TAMAHK!

BDS: I'm sorry, Mrs. Bachmann. I think there may be a problem with our connection...

MB: BLLEECHK! OOGLE! BLEECK DOOF!

BDS: Mrs. Bachmann?

(muffled noises, a male voice takes over)

MV: I apologize, Mr. Shuey. The Candidate is speaking in tongues again.

BDS: Does she do this often?

MV: Only when Our Lord and Savior is communicating through her.

BDS: Wait, that was Jesus? I thought it was Klingon.

MV: They're actually quite similar.

BDS: So, for the uninitiated, what was it Jesus was saying?

MV: He was just reaffirming his endorsement for Representative Bachmann's candidacy.

BDS: So Jesus is firmly in your camp?

MV: And where else would he be? With Wetterling?

BDS: Well, it's just that I've never really heard of him taking sides before.

MV: Oh, He does. And by the way, when you write "Him," it is properly capitalized.

BDS: Hold on, how did you know I didn't?

MV: Let's just say I know your type.

BDS: Fair enough. So you've got Jesus. Any other big names on board?

MV: Bigger names than Jesus?

BDS: Well, it's just that I've heard Patty Wetterling has Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard behind
her. Maybe Josh Hartnett, too.

MV: They're lightweights! Jesus had the biggest movie in the world two years ago.

BDS: Yeah, two years ago. You know what they say in Hollywood, "What have you done for me lately?"

MV: She's got the First Lady.

BDS: Ha! Laura Bush doesn't put asses in seats. Everyone knows that. I saw her at a Border's Books one time. You could hear crickets.

MV: Listen, the Candidate is confident that The Lord's backing will be enough.

BDS: And how exactly did Mrs. Bachmann secure the Lord's endorsement?

MV: The Candidate and her family joined hands, fasted and prayed for three days.

BDS: So, it was like Martin Luther King kind of thing?

MV: No, he was a Southern Baptist. The candidate and her family attend a very different sort of church.

BDS: Oh, that's right. So, what exactly does a "wealthy suburban mega-church fast" entail?

MV: (long pause)

BDS: Sir?

MV: Mostly imported bottled water and bread from the bakery at Byerly's.

BDS: Wow! It's a miracle they even survived!

MV: I assure you, adjusted for the Bachmann's level of income and ethnic background, it can be quite a transcendental experience of one's faith.

BDS: I'm sure it can! I skipped breakfast one time and had a vision of St. Bernadine of Siena telling me I should be Governor of West Virginia!

MV: Now you're just being smug. It's the arrogance of the godless liberal elite like you that the people of Minnesota will send Representative Bachmann to Washington to combat.

BDS: Elite? I had to crawl over a drunken prostitute just to get into my apartment building this morning. Mrs. Bachmann is a rich-as-shit tax attorney. She lives in a huge house in Stillwater. And suddenly I'm elite? How, precisely does that work?

MV: Wait a moment. You mean to say you're poor?

BDS: Well, I'm not exactly...

MV: Listen, the Candidate doesn't waste time on people who can't even find their own bootstraps. Call back when you've made something of yourself. (click)

BDS: Hello? Hello?

MY i.m. EXCHANGE WITH REP. MARK FOLEY

What follows is an instant message discussion I had over the internet with an individual claiming to be Rep. Mark Foley of Florida. As the text will clearly demonstrate, this person was obviously an imposter. BDS


Maf54 (7:37:27 PM): how my favorite young stud doing

Shu22 (7:38:01 PM) Good, I guess. I certainly don't FEEL young. I'm a little sore. I was playing racquetball today.

Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): you need a massage

Shu22: (7:41:03 PM) Actually, that might be just the thing.

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny

Shu22: (7:48:16PM) Umm... not really. But one time I did have a sort of embarrassing moment at the masseuse. Luckily I didn't have to turn over right away!

Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?

Shu22: (7:55:32 PM) I was wearing a towel.

Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air

Shu22: (7:58:09 PM) No, I was pretty much flat on my stomach the whole time. So anyway, what's Florida like this time of year?

Maf54 (8:00:53 PM): i like steamroom

Shu22: (8:01:11 PM) Yeah, I suppose it is pretty hot down there.

Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock

Shu22 (8:04:24 PM) When my what "reaches rock?" I'm not really following you. I must say, for a Congressman you seem to have, at best, a tenuous grasp on the English language. Are all members of the House of Representatives so loose with their grammar?

Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me

Shu22: (8:09:14 PM) Measure what? The distance it would take me to "reach rock?"

Maf54 (8:10:40 PM): take it out

Shu22 (8:10:54 PM): Take WHAT out, the rock? I'm telling you I don't have any rocks with me. You're making no sense at all. I thought we were going to discuss healthcare reform.

Maf54 (8:11:06 PM): ok

Shu22 (8:14:02 PM): Fine. So, would you say the Republican-led Congress has made any progress on reforming a healthcare system that 72 percent of Americans say is broken?

Maf54 (8:14:37 PM): i like steamroom

Shu22: (8:22:17 PM) You know what? I don't think you're Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) at all. I think you're just some weird Internet pervert. This discussion is over!

Maf54 (8:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny