ASK MR. SHUEY NO. 8: EVEN PUNKERS GET OLD

Mr. Shuey,

When I was a young man I tried to fight against racism, homophobia and all manner of intolerance, holding many banners high. But in my golden years I don't confront people like I should. My question is, "How can I get as angry as I was when I was twenty?"

And yes, I have bricks nearby.

Sean,

Minneapolis

Sean,

Why would you want to be as angry as you were when you were twenty? Why would anyone? You are taking what I consider to be the one true pleasure that comes from growing older and turning it on its head. So you're not as, "in your face" as you used to be. So what? Most people's faces are best viewed from a distance anyway.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. When I was a younger man I also held many banners high. The one I held highest read: "I am an insufferable 20-year-old prick who thinks he knows everything and is almost unbearable to be around! I can't hold my liquor, will argue and fight at the slightest provocation and should properly be placed over someone's knee and spanked!" (It was a big banner.)

I think my convictions began to wane when I was beaten-up by the local white power skinheads, then beaten up a week later by a black guy who accused me of knowing the skinheads who had just beaten me up. "Yeah I know them," I told the guy as he pounded on me, "they beat the shit out of me last week!"

It was at that point I decided to leave the banner waving to persons with smaller brains and thicker skulls.

There's nothing wrong with mellowing a bit as one ages. Especially since things don't seem to heal quite as fast as they used to. So leave acting like a kid to the kids.

And those bricks you've got handy? Use them to build a nice backyard BBQ. Throw on some steaks, crack open a beer and breathe-in the glorious summer air. If you still feel the need to do your part, invite all the neighbors over-- male and female, gay and straight, black, white, yellow and red. If they can't get along at a backyard beer bash, then something tells me all the banner-waving in the world will be of little good.

Best of Luck,

Mr. Shuey

"DEAR RICH PRICK"

So if you're anything like me, the sight of sixty thousand dollar sports cars in the modest surroundings of your neighborhood always feels gaudy and kind of insulting. And in the summertime the owner's "devil-may-care" rich guy insouciance causes them to casually leave the top down. It's like they're daring me to fuck with them! In the spirit of civility I have composed a note to leave that adequately expresses my frustration. Feel free to print it out and use it in situations as you see fit. You may replace my name with your own, or leave it as is. It's your choice.

Dear Rich Prick,

If you insist on shamelessly flaunting your wealth by parking your over-priced convertible sports car in a neighborhood where its cost exceeds the average annual family income by tens of thousands of dollars please have the good sense to CLOSE THE TOP. You have no idea how tempting it is to decorate your hand-tooled leather interior with cigarette butts, beer cans, dog shit, used rubbers and all manner of other unseemly articles. In fact, in the time it took me to carefully place this note on your passenger seat I could have just as easily covered it with a layer of Minwax varnish from the can that's been under my sink since I moved into my apartment. The tenant before me just left it there. Do you honestly believe I've got any thing that needs varnishing? Did he? Because I'm telling you pal, I don't! How thrilled would your date be if she came out of the restaurant and sat on a big puddle of varnish?

So just close your roof next time. Or better yet, stay the fuck out of my neighborhood. I'm trying to be a nice, law-abiding citizen, and people like you make it really hard.

Sincerely,

Brian David Shuey

SHORT FICTION AND A SHOW

(From June 7, 2007)

"So what are you going to do?"

"About what?"

"About HIM?"

"Him who?"

"Him WHO! 'Him' the kid you've got chained to the radiator!"

"Oh. Nothing."

"NOTHING!"

"Nothing for now. I gave him a bunch of these. He'll be out for hours."

"And what happens when he wakes up?"

"By then I'll be long gone. There's a show I want to see at THE HEXAGON tonight."

"The Hexagon? I've never heard of it."

"It's in Minneapolis."

"MINNEAPOLIS! How the hell do you plan to get all the way out there?"

"I'll take the chopper."

"The chopper! But MARINE ONE is mine!"

"It's only yours when I say it's yours."

"Oh, I get it. You're going to make ME deal with this one. Again."

"Quit being such a pussy. Just put him with the others under the bowling alley."

"But the bowling alley is right under the press room! What if they smell something?"

"That's what the bags of quick lime are for. Jesus, do I have to do all the thinking around here?"

"Just how many Indo-whatevers do you have buried down there now?"

"They're not Indonesians, they're Filipinos. God, you're a dumb son of a bitch!"

"Why do you always have to run me down, I was only..."

"Look, THE CHAMBERMAIDS, DIE ELECTRIC!, PRIVATE DANCER and PROLLY are playing at THE HEXAGON tonight and I don't plan on missing it!"

"And just where do you fix on putting the chopper down?"

"I did one of those GOOLGE EARTH searches. There's a bank parking lot right across the street. If we leave early enough it should be empty and we can land there."

"But I was gonna watch "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" tonight. Last week I nearly beat the little bastards!"

"Have Laura tape it. Right now you need to roll up your sleeves and get to digging."

"Aw, man..."

"Look, the pilot said we'd be flying into headwinds the whole way out. I do not have time to fuck around with you right now."

"Alright."

"Good, it's settled then. I have to go get my MINOR THREAT t-shirt out of the dryer."

"You know something, Dick. You sure are one crazy, boy-raping, megalomaniacal nut-job!"

"Yeah, that may be true, but I've got GREAT taste in music."

"If you say so."

(Brian David Shuey--6.7.07)

TONIGHT THURSDAY JUNE 7 AT THE HEXAGON BAR (2600 27th Ave S MPLS)

THE CHAMBERMAIDS

DIE ELECTRIC!

PRIVATE DANCER

PROLLY

FREE!!!

ASK MR. SHUEY NO. 7: "METAL MOUTH"

(From May 30, 2007)

Dear Mr. Shuey,

Are adult braces just for total assholes?

I need to know A.S.A.P.

Dana,
St. Paul


Dana,

Adult braces are in no way "just for total assholes." However, the following things are:

The band, MY MORNING JACKET

"Tom's of Maine" toothpaste

The sort of "braces" that skinheads wear

In-Dash car DVD players

Warrantless wiretaps

Outdoor smoking laws

TV Guide


This is not to say that braces aren't a serious decision. Especially since "adult" implies that your parents won't be paying for them.

In almost all cases orthodontics are considered cosmetic, and are not covered by standard dental insurance. Unless your teeth are so misaligned that their primary function (chewing food) is impaired, you'll likely have to pay for them out of your own pocket.

According to The Academy of General Dentistry, the cost of adult braces is anywhere from $4,000 to $9,000. Also, adults need to wear braces for a longer period of time (18 months to three years) than adolescents.

You have three choices when it comes to braces, traditional metal ones, clear ceramic and Invisalign. ™

The clear ceramic sort are often referred to as, "less noticeable." In my experience they always make people look like they have an enormous buildup of plaque on their teeth. On closer inspection one will realize that they are in fact "clear" braces, but by then you have kind of lost your taste for lunch.

Invisalign ™ braces are, according to their literature, "invisible." But my guess is they are the ones in the $9000 range.

I say if you're going to do it, go with the metal ones. They're the least expensive option, and this will show people that your vanity is tempered with a certain amount of prudence.

More than your choice to get braces, what most concerns me is your need to make a decision, "A.S.A.P"

The only cause for such urgency I could come up with is that you are dating an impossibly dull orthodontist-- as opposed the charming and dynamic sort! --and were hoping to take advantage of his skills before dumping him. This would be a mistake, as braces require periodic tightening and adjusting, and those subsequent visits couldn't help but be incredibly awkward.

Best of Luck,

Mr. Shuey


Just for fun, here are some photos of REALLY BAD TEETH:

http://www.strangepersons.com/images/content/101457.jpg

http://www.thegrid.org.uk/learning/science/ks1-2/resources/examples/livingthings/teeth/badteeth.jpg

http://www.mikesjournal.com/October%202006/Bad%20Teeth%201.jpg

Ask Mr. Shuey No. 6: "All About Balls"

(From May 24, 2007)

Dear Mr. Shuey, Is it ok to hit a man in the "nuts?" And furthermore, are you ready to get hit in the "nuts?" Mary, Minneapolis Mary, This is important. I want to be as clear as possible. Unless a person is defending herself from grievous bodily harm or some cruel violation, IT IS NEVER OK TO HIT A MAN IN THE NUTS. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you think it is funny. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts to make a point. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts to get his attention. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you just got "BINGO," and are excited. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you disagree with him over the role of labor in various economic models. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because he didn't notice your new haircut. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because he is a Cubs fan. (Although, if he is a Cubs fan, it is unlikely he has nuts to begin with.) Evolution placed our testicles on the outside of our body for a reason. Scrotal expansion and contraction regulates the temperature of the testicles so they can perform their primary function, which is the production of sperm. Sperm is our admittedly modest contribution to the making of babies, and men in sexual maturity are pretty much making it all the time. This is nature's way of telling us, "You never know what's waiting 'round the corner!" Not surprisingly, this arrangement puts the testicles at an increased risk of being damaged. Physicians divide testicular trauma into three main categories: BLUNT, PENETRATION and DEGLOVING. (Degloving means just what it sounds like, and I find I cannot type the word with out getting slightly ill.) Hitting a man in the nuts would likely only result in blunt trauma. While certainly less troubling than penetration or degloving it's still no damn fun. Blunt testicular trauma is most often associated with athletic activity and while permanent damage is rare, it is not unheard of. Also, it hurts. I mean, it hurts A LOT. Men may never know the pain of childbirth, but women will never know the pain that can result from having ones sensitive reproductive organs on the outside. Just sort of hanging there. All vulnerable and such. By the way, if like me you were wondering what the commonest causes of testicular penetration (and the dreaded degloving) are I will spare you the details. Just be glad you don't work around farm equipment. As to the second part of your question, the answer is "no." I am not ready to get hit in the nuts. I do consider myself ready NOT TO get hit in the nuts, which I think is an important distinction. And that is in no way intended as a challenge. Best of luck, Mr. Shuey P.S. I include the following photo links for two reasons. First, to let people know the serious consequences of testicular trauma. And second, to demonstrate the lengths I go to in your humble service. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. http://wwwscielo.isciii.es/img/aue/v28n5/images/393-395f1.jpg http://www.uroatlas.net/trauma/fotos/dfc-cr04p.JPG

Ask Mr. Shuey No. 5: "Diet Dilemma"

(From May 7, 2007)

Dear Mr. Shuey,

How can I get myself to eat healthier? I don't really like vegetables or fruits. I like burgers and fried chicken. Eating this type of garbage all the time makes me feel like a disgusting slob. Sometimes I force-feed myself good food on principal, but it doesn't make me hate it any less.

Please Help.

Thanks,

Andy

Minneapolis

Well Andy, I'm sorry to say that short of getting married to a health-nut there is little hope for you. But I'll do what I can.

I too am guilty of having a poor diet. For me it's too much frozen pizza and pasta. I often force myself to buy fruits and vegetables, but other than the occasional apple or some snow peas in my stir-fry, most of the time these items end-up turning to compost in my crisper.

We are BACHELORS, my friend. This is how we were meant to eat.

Here are a few suggestions that may help, but I should point out that even with my renowned good sense and almost super-human will power I have failed to see much improvement in my own diet. So honestly, what are your chances?

TRY TO EAT IN: For whatever reason, dietician's say that homemade shitty food is less shitty than restaurant shitty food. How much less shitty? (I'm guessing only a little less shitty.) The reason for this is simple: fat and salt are relatively CHEAP and make food TASTE GOOD. So to keep you coming back the restaurants pile it on. And why not? They will never have to visit you in the hospital or attend your funeral. (Which is a shame, because a sympathy card from Colonel Sanders would be a hell of a thing to see!)

DATE A REALLY ATTRACTIVE GIRL: I don't know how far this will go to improving your diet, I just think that as bachelors we should all be dating really attractive girls. Couldn't hurt.

DESIGNATE ONE DAY A WEEK AS "HEALTHFUL FOOD DAY": Take Monday, for instance, and make that the day of the week that you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Or failing that, just don't eat anything at all on Monday.

TRY A LITTLE AVERSION THERAPY: Here are some links to sites that have images of coronary artery disease, blocked colons, and the like:

http://www.cs.nsw.gov.au/concord/Departs/gastro/boweldisease/Crohn.html

http://www.heart-health-for-life.com/cholesterol-and-heart-disease.html

http://blogs.kansascity.com/photos/uncategorized/larryking1.jpg

http://navigator.medschool.pitt.edu/Introduction%20to%20GI%20Imaging3EDIT_files/image016.jpg

Print them out and tape them to your refrigerator and any cupboards that contain food. The image of a blocked colon may just convince you NOT to reach for the NASCAR-APPROVED Southern Family Size sleeve of frozen hamburger patties I am certain sits waiting for you in your freezer (next to the Ore-Ida French Fries.)

For added incentive, I included a picture of well-known heart patient and talk show host Larry King. In searching for gross heart disease images his portrait was easily the most stomach-turning picture available.

And for any of you out there that want to stop eating all together, do a Google Image Search for "Skin Diseases." Tape those pictures on your fridge and I guarantee you'll never eat anything again, healthy or otherwise.

Best of luck!

(Keep those questions coming, kids!)