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Thursday, January 01, 2009

2008 Recap!

JANUARY: Accidentally contracted progressive inflammatory neuropathy from inhaling aerosolized pig brains while working in a slaughterhouse in southern Minnesota. Was cured by one of my Somali coworkers who applied a poultice of dried khat and the menses of a blind, uncircumcised virgin. At least he said I was cured. Come to think of it…

FEBRUARY: Celebrated the unofficially semi-official resignation of Fidel Castro by getting completely shit-faced with a bunch of Mexicans. It turns out what they were celebrating was a tie between the U.S. and Mexican national teams in a cup qualifier. And since it was a tie they weren't so much celebrating as getting a yanque loaded and leaving him passed out in a pile of snow.

MARCH: Fought a midget over a pack of cherry Twizzlers. Lost the fight, but gained a friend.

APRIL: Sleepy

MAY: Drove a lot. Cut my underpants off with a dull knife in the bathroom of The Middle East in Boston. Got a manicure in Harvard Square. Walked around Manhattan with a semi-permanent erection. Rediscovered what low-grade racist shit heads the citizens of Philadelphia are. Made a fool of myself in front of my parents in Baltimore. Ate good seafood.

JUNE: George Carlin died on the 22nd of this month. Nothing of equal consequence occurred to myself or anyone else on the planet Earth.

JULY: Traveled to Sydney to celebrate World Youth Day with Pope Benedict XVI. After dozens of hits of amyl nitrate the pontiff admitted that thanks to him the famed missing Nazi gold was in the Vatican's possession and was being used to settle the many priest sexual abuse lawsuits. I threatened to call Leonard Nimoy. Then he bad-touched me.

AUGUST: XXIXIIIVXC Summer Olympiad in Beijing. (Skipped IOC-mandated course on Roman numerals.) Took Silver in team Fencing. Thought I caught SARS. Turned out it was the effects of smoking too many counterfeit Marlboros. Should have realized this, as "Marlboro" is rarely spelled with multiple "Qs" Stopped at the border as I attempted to leave the country with a child-bride. "Child-bride" was in fact 42-years-old. It was her adult children who filed the complaint. All-around bad trip.

SEPTEMBER: Spent the 7th Anniversary of 9/11 in Crawford, TX doing blow with George W. Bush. Learned the true meaning of "clearing brush" from a few of daughter Jenna's sorority sisters. Bonged a shit-ton of Lone Star. Was ritually hunted by Ted Nugent. All-around good trip.

OCTOBER: Discovered the joy of pressing autumn leaves into scrapbooks! Also, discovered a massive leak in my trucks exhaust system. My physician thinks the two may be related.

NOVEMBER: Finally became old enough to be elected President. Was not, however, elected President. They gave it to some other guy.

DECEMBER: In light of my failure to be elected President I decided to abandon democratic ideals altogether. Traveled to the Channel Island of Sark in an effort to prop-up the last remaining feudal system in Europe. Disappointed to discover there were no knights on horseback there, as I had arrived dressed as a knight on horseback. Did see one guy with a silver shirt and a cricket helmet driving a golf cart. I challenged him to a tournament and was promptly arrested. Decided the islanders of Sark deserved democracy-- and all its attendant indignities. Flew home sans horse to discover there was no beer in my fridge. One last trip to the liquor store as the year fades into memory.

(have a nice New Year)
BDS 12.31.

My Letter to Joaquin Phoenix

(From November 6, 2008)

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

I am writing with regard to your recent decision to forgo acting in films to concentrate on a career in music. Good for you!

You have referred to music as, "greener pastures" and you couldn't be more right.

In light of that I would like to tender a modest proposal. I have been playing music for going on twenty years, and if you would care to I thought we could just "switch" jobs.

I could move to your big, expensive Manhattan "apartment," and you could come to Minneapolis and live in my tiny little box of a place.

I could be paid outrageous sums of money to squint, bob my head around the way you do and recite heartfelt words written by someone else. You could work my day job and while you're at it, try to pay off all my debts.

I could have sex with gorgeous actresses and you could have sex with no one.

Sound good, buddy?

I'll get in touch with your people and make all the necessary arrangements. You just sit down with your guitar and get to work on some songs! After all, as you said, "…so I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing… Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Wow! With a degree of commitment like that, how could you fail?

Hope to see you soon, you fucking shithead!


Brian David Shuey
Minneapolis, MN

P.S. You were awesome in Space Camp.


(From November 4, 2008)

I certainly don't mind standing in line for two hours. That is no hardship, to be sure. Especially given what people in other countries have to go through to cast a vote.

What was discouraging was standing in line for two hours listening to the young couple behind me discuss for whom and why they were casting their ballots. I wish I were paraphrasing their comments. Sadly, I am not:

HER: "McCain's the only one who cares about our troops who are fighting our war."

HIM: "Yeah, but he's all old an' shit. I'm voting for the other one."

Of the three of us, I'm pretty sure the order of the cosmos would have been better served had at least ONE of us skipped the whole process and spent the afternoon watching game shows and huffing glue.

You would think I mean one of them, but I am not so sure it shouldn't have been ME.

And that's the thought that will keep me awake tonight.

Sarah Palin Visits My Alma Mater

(From October 29, 2008)

Governor Sarah Palin was in my home state yesterday, and she even graced my alma mater.

Speaking at The Luhrs Performing Arts Center at Shippensburg University she said, I assume between winks and "Aw, shuckses"*:

"We will balance the federal budget within our first term."

Really? Not unless you plan on withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq on DAY ONE of that term-- and then as those troops return home have them stop at every house they see to look for shit they can bring back here and pawn.

"We're going to help our students afford college."

Really? Unless of course they are Iraq War vets who want to go to college on a new GI Bill, which McCain voted against.

"We'll clean up the corruption on Wall Street."

Really? You'll notice that the Treasury department has started doling-out some of the $700 billion in bailout money McCain voted for. Just how much is going to which companies (Price Waterhouse, Ernst & Young, etc.) has been REDACTED from documents released to the public.

"Your government should do more for you."

I'm sorry lady, what party do you belong to again?

"So Pennsylvania, will you hire us? Will you send us to Washington?"

Make me proud, Keystoners! Show these clowns that REAL America doesn't want them any more than those of us living in FAKE America.


*Have you noticed that Sarah Palin sounds like an out-state Minnesotan who's been hit in the head repeatedly with a brick? Would someone please give this woman a daytime talk show and be done with it!