(8.25.06)
So I've decided to assemble a street team to get the word out about me. I've noticed that rock bands, skateboard companies and even major corporations have had a great deal of success with this somewhat novel marketing concept. And since I'm too lazy to go out and promote myself, this seemed like the only way to go.
STREET TEAM MEMBER BENEFITS INCLUDE:
FREE ADMISSION TO ALL BRIAN SHUEY EVENTS: These happen throughout the year. The next big one is, "Fall House Cleaning 2006" This will take place at my apartment and Street Team Members will get the exclusive right to participate. Just a few of the fun activities...
-"What's that under the dresser?"
-"Mop Race Rally!"
-"Scavenger Hunt:" (or) "Lets find out where Brian stored his goddamn fucking winter hat/scarf/gloves so he doesnt have to buy all new ones like he does every year."
FREE BRIAN SHUEY MERCHANDISE: This is pretty much limited to things I have but don't want anymore. Ill-fitting clothes, old Econ textbooks that I've been inexplicably carting around with me since college, a VHS copy of "Blade Runner" taped off of TBS in 1988 with (most of) the commercials cut out, and rubber bands. Lots of rubber bands.
FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO THE BRIAN SHUEY NEWSLETTER! A glossy, twice-monthly publication to keep everyone updated on my many exciting activities. (Note: Production of the Brian Shuey Newsletter-- including all costs incurred-- shall be the responsibility of Street Team Members.)
For all these GREAT BENEFITS, you will simply be asked to:
-Tell your friends about BRIAN SHUEY and his many fine qualities.
-Call radio stations and encourage the hosts to talk about BRIAN SHUEY-- regardless of the topic at hand and ignoring the fact that no one knows who I am. This is how "buzz" is generated.
-Attend public events and distribute BRIAN SHUEY-related promotional materials. Buttons, stickers, t-shirts, etc. (Note: production of BRIAN SHUEY-related promotional materials-- including all costs incurred-- shall be the responsibility of Street Team Members.)
It's that easy!
So join the fun and help spread the word!
All the best,
Brian Shuey
(Note: Street Team Members will be issued pagers and will be required to be "on-call" 24 hours a day, seven days a week.)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
THE BEST JOKE ABOUT A HORSE I'VE WRITTEN TODAY
A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Horse: "Well, I'm a member of the genus Equus. Equus caballus, to be exact. We're part of a larger group of odd-toed ungulate mammals. The face is an adaptation developed over millions of years. Zoologists theorize that it is intended to facilitate grazing on short plains grasses."
Bartender: "Really? You don't say? Well, what'll it be?"
Horse: "I'd love a carrot... If you've got any?"
Bartender: "Sure thing, pal. Coming right up!"
Bartender: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Horse: "Well, I'm a member of the genus Equus. Equus caballus, to be exact. We're part of a larger group of odd-toed ungulate mammals. The face is an adaptation developed over millions of years. Zoologists theorize that it is intended to facilitate grazing on short plains grasses."
Bartender: "Really? You don't say? Well, what'll it be?"
Horse: "I'd love a carrot... If you've got any?"
Bartender: "Sure thing, pal. Coming right up!"
MY INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE W. BUSH (PT. 1)
(8.16.06)
Note: What follows is an interview I conducted with President Bush in the west wing of the White House in mid-August of 2006. BDS
BDS: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
GWB: Call me George. No wait, call me "Thumper." That's what they called me in school. You wanna know why?
BDS: I suppose I could guess.
GWB: Wait, this is "on the record," right? That's the one where you can print whatever I say?
BDS: It is.
GWB: Better go with "George," then. Or, "President George."
BDS: How about just, "Mr. President."
GWB: That'll do 'er!
BDS: Now then, Mr. President. You're half-way through your second term, how would you say things are going?
GWB: I'll tell you Brian, things are going GREAT! We got a new motto here at the White House, "Moving Forward." Things are really moving forward right now. Forward momentum. Like a rocket to the moon.
BDS: Or Mars.
GWB: What?
BDS: You may recall, you announced an initiative to realize the dream of manned exploration of the planet Mars.
GWB: I did?
BDS: Yes, some time ago.
GWB: And how's that going?
BDS: Well, we're not there yet, sir.
GWB: Hmm, guess I better kick a few butts over at NASA. Get 'em "Moving Forward," eh? (chuckles)
BDS: Yes, I'm beginning to see the wisdom of your new approach.
GWB: You know where I got it from, don't ya? From, "Shark Week." You know, on The Discovery Channel. That's Channel 58 on satellite here in D.C. But it's something different down in Crawford. I wish they could do something about that. Every time I go down there I have to flip around forever to figure out which one is The Discovery Channel. And then, when I find it as soon as I change the channel I forget and I can't get back to it without doing the whole dang thing over again. ESPN's the same in both places. It's 32. I don't know why, though.
BDS: So, um... back to Shark Week?
GWB: Oh yeah. So I learned on Shark Week that sharks have to keep moving forward in the water or they'll die.
(In the background:) Aide #1: Except for Nurse sharks, of course.
GWB: What?
Aide #2: Never mind. Its just an "I.F.," sir.
BDS: "I.F.?"
Aide #2: "Inconvenient Fact." They impede forward momentum. They are contra to the President's paradigm. The paradigm requires that the President ignore them. They are dealt with by people like me.
(Aide #1 is led from the room. Door closes. Some muffled noises on the other side.)
GWB: Yeah, so anyway it's something about the air in the water. And I just thought that was really neat and then I thought it would be a heckuva motto for my administration. Now I got pictures of sharks all over the White House. All sorts of different ones. Hammerheads are the scariest, don't you think? Or maybe Great Whites? They have those down in Australia. You know Australia's a member of "THE COALITION OF THE WILLING," right? Hell, they sent eight or nine guys to Iraq. I know it don't sound like much, but if they're all like Mad Max, well then I bet they could really do some damage!
BDS: Perhaps we should have asked the Australians for some of their sharks?
GWB: Now why didn't I think of that? Teddy! (to Aide #3) Get what's-his-nuts on the phone!
Aide #3: Prime Minister Howard?
GWB: Yeah, him. Tell him I want to talk to him about getting some sharks.
Aide #3: Can do, sir!
BDS: So, these shark posters. Did you have a motivational products company make them?
GWB: Hell no! I DID IT MYSELF! It was decided that it was an important initiative. In fact, they thought it was so important that Dick even gave me the code to run the color copier. Want to know what it is?
BDS: Actually, sir I think that...
GWB: Oh, come on. It won't hurt none, as long as you don't PRINT it. It's... (silently mouths a four-number series.)
BDS: Well yes, I can see why...
GWB: Now I can have you killed. You know... (whispers) to protect the secret.
BDS: Ummm...
GWB: Oh hell! Im just messin' with you little buddy! In fact, why don't you go ahead and remember that. I may need to call you about it if I forget. Dick doesn't like to tell me things twice. And I've learned not to ask twice.
BDS: It will be our secret, sir. Now then, if we could move on to the matter of the coming mid-term elections, I'd like to know what you think the biggest challenge to
(Aide #3 interrupts): Sir, I've got Prime Minister Howard on line 3.
GWB: Aw, hell! I better take this now or I'll never remember what it was I wanted to talk to him about. Can you come back next week? We can finish up then.
BDS: Of course, Mr. President. Perhaps we can discuss something other than sharks?
GWB: Whatever. Sharks. BBQ. The war. Shit! Its all good!
Note: What follows is an interview I conducted with President Bush in the west wing of the White House in mid-August of 2006. BDS
BDS: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
GWB: Call me George. No wait, call me "Thumper." That's what they called me in school. You wanna know why?
BDS: I suppose I could guess.
GWB: Wait, this is "on the record," right? That's the one where you can print whatever I say?
BDS: It is.
GWB: Better go with "George," then. Or, "President George."
BDS: How about just, "Mr. President."
GWB: That'll do 'er!
BDS: Now then, Mr. President. You're half-way through your second term, how would you say things are going?
GWB: I'll tell you Brian, things are going GREAT! We got a new motto here at the White House, "Moving Forward." Things are really moving forward right now. Forward momentum. Like a rocket to the moon.
BDS: Or Mars.
GWB: What?
BDS: You may recall, you announced an initiative to realize the dream of manned exploration of the planet Mars.
GWB: I did?
BDS: Yes, some time ago.
GWB: And how's that going?
BDS: Well, we're not there yet, sir.
GWB: Hmm, guess I better kick a few butts over at NASA. Get 'em "Moving Forward," eh? (chuckles)
BDS: Yes, I'm beginning to see the wisdom of your new approach.
GWB: You know where I got it from, don't ya? From, "Shark Week." You know, on The Discovery Channel. That's Channel 58 on satellite here in D.C. But it's something different down in Crawford. I wish they could do something about that. Every time I go down there I have to flip around forever to figure out which one is The Discovery Channel. And then, when I find it as soon as I change the channel I forget and I can't get back to it without doing the whole dang thing over again. ESPN's the same in both places. It's 32. I don't know why, though.
BDS: So, um... back to Shark Week?
GWB: Oh yeah. So I learned on Shark Week that sharks have to keep moving forward in the water or they'll die.
(In the background:) Aide #1: Except for Nurse sharks, of course.
GWB: What?
Aide #2: Never mind. Its just an "I.F.," sir.
BDS: "I.F.?"
Aide #2: "Inconvenient Fact." They impede forward momentum. They are contra to the President's paradigm. The paradigm requires that the President ignore them. They are dealt with by people like me.
(Aide #1 is led from the room. Door closes. Some muffled noises on the other side.)
GWB: Yeah, so anyway it's something about the air in the water. And I just thought that was really neat and then I thought it would be a heckuva motto for my administration. Now I got pictures of sharks all over the White House. All sorts of different ones. Hammerheads are the scariest, don't you think? Or maybe Great Whites? They have those down in Australia. You know Australia's a member of "THE COALITION OF THE WILLING," right? Hell, they sent eight or nine guys to Iraq. I know it don't sound like much, but if they're all like Mad Max, well then I bet they could really do some damage!
BDS: Perhaps we should have asked the Australians for some of their sharks?
GWB: Now why didn't I think of that? Teddy! (to Aide #3) Get what's-his-nuts on the phone!
Aide #3: Prime Minister Howard?
GWB: Yeah, him. Tell him I want to talk to him about getting some sharks.
Aide #3: Can do, sir!
BDS: So, these shark posters. Did you have a motivational products company make them?
GWB: Hell no! I DID IT MYSELF! It was decided that it was an important initiative. In fact, they thought it was so important that Dick even gave me the code to run the color copier. Want to know what it is?
BDS: Actually, sir I think that...
GWB: Oh, come on. It won't hurt none, as long as you don't PRINT it. It's... (silently mouths a four-number series.)
BDS: Well yes, I can see why...
GWB: Now I can have you killed. You know... (whispers) to protect the secret.
BDS: Ummm...
GWB: Oh hell! Im just messin' with you little buddy! In fact, why don't you go ahead and remember that. I may need to call you about it if I forget. Dick doesn't like to tell me things twice. And I've learned not to ask twice.
BDS: It will be our secret, sir. Now then, if we could move on to the matter of the coming mid-term elections, I'd like to know what you think the biggest challenge to
(Aide #3 interrupts): Sir, I've got Prime Minister Howard on line 3.
GWB: Aw, hell! I better take this now or I'll never remember what it was I wanted to talk to him about. Can you come back next week? We can finish up then.
BDS: Of course, Mr. President. Perhaps we can discuss something other than sharks?
GWB: Whatever. Sharks. BBQ. The war. Shit! Its all good!
MR. SHUEY'S SEVEN TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE APOCALYPSE
(7.18.06)
As most of you know, I am an atheist. However, I'm also practical, and can see the wisdom in preparing for any eventuality, however farcical or remote.
According to the Bible--Thats the book you have to move aside in your hotel room night table when you're looking for matches or the handy list of local delivery joints-- the End Times are just around the corner. In fact, they have been for a couple of millennia now. With the current dust-up in the Middle East, contemporary prophets of doom contend that they are really, REALLY just around the corner.
If you are devout Christian, apparently you're all set (A note to devout Christians: I'd keep paying those credit card bills all the same.)
But what about the rest of us? I now present...
MR. SHUEY'S SEVEN TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE APOCALYPSE
1) The right shoes are a must: Make sure they fit properly (no "pinching") but are not too loose either. It's going to be either really hot or really cold (they are unclear on this) so have a supply of wool AND cotton socks on hand.
2) Stock-up on lots of water: Get the least expensive distilled water available. God will not be impressed by Evian or Voss, and having the expensive kinds around may lose you essential "piety" points.
3) Have a Bible on you: Couldn't hurt. Just make sure you didn't steal it from the hotel room. Those are for sharing.
4) Clean-up your apartment: Throw-out the porn. Don't just hide it. Jesus is coming, not your Mom. However, unlike your Mom, you do not need to dust on Jesus' account. (I don't think, anyway.) Do not throw out the booze, though. If you don't make the cut you're going to need it. In fact...
5) Secure plenty of booze: I put my odds of getting "Left Behind" at a very high order of probability. And I don't plan on being sober for The Rapture anymore than I plan on being sober this weekend.
6) Get a really good umbrella: Ask the guy at the store if it will protect you from raining sulfur. When he gives you a stupid look just buy the most expensive one they have. Go out in style, thats my motto.
7) Fuck it! Go apeshit!: You know what? I'm still writing this (and you're still reading it) so chances are we're BOTH going to hell. And as much as I hate people mucking-up my floors and spilling beer on my records, THE RAPTURE PARTY'S AT MY PLACE! A no-hold-barred naked, drunken freak-fest that would make Caligula blush. I promise it will be the best (and last) party you ever attend. See you there.
As most of you know, I am an atheist. However, I'm also practical, and can see the wisdom in preparing for any eventuality, however farcical or remote.
According to the Bible--Thats the book you have to move aside in your hotel room night table when you're looking for matches or the handy list of local delivery joints-- the End Times are just around the corner. In fact, they have been for a couple of millennia now. With the current dust-up in the Middle East, contemporary prophets of doom contend that they are really, REALLY just around the corner.
If you are devout Christian, apparently you're all set (A note to devout Christians: I'd keep paying those credit card bills all the same.)
But what about the rest of us? I now present...
MR. SHUEY'S SEVEN TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE APOCALYPSE
1) The right shoes are a must: Make sure they fit properly (no "pinching") but are not too loose either. It's going to be either really hot or really cold (they are unclear on this) so have a supply of wool AND cotton socks on hand.
2) Stock-up on lots of water: Get the least expensive distilled water available. God will not be impressed by Evian or Voss, and having the expensive kinds around may lose you essential "piety" points.
3) Have a Bible on you: Couldn't hurt. Just make sure you didn't steal it from the hotel room. Those are for sharing.
4) Clean-up your apartment: Throw-out the porn. Don't just hide it. Jesus is coming, not your Mom. However, unlike your Mom, you do not need to dust on Jesus' account. (I don't think, anyway.) Do not throw out the booze, though. If you don't make the cut you're going to need it. In fact...
5) Secure plenty of booze: I put my odds of getting "Left Behind" at a very high order of probability. And I don't plan on being sober for The Rapture anymore than I plan on being sober this weekend.
6) Get a really good umbrella: Ask the guy at the store if it will protect you from raining sulfur. When he gives you a stupid look just buy the most expensive one they have. Go out in style, thats my motto.
7) Fuck it! Go apeshit!: You know what? I'm still writing this (and you're still reading it) so chances are we're BOTH going to hell. And as much as I hate people mucking-up my floors and spilling beer on my records, THE RAPTURE PARTY'S AT MY PLACE! A no-hold-barred naked, drunken freak-fest that would make Caligula blush. I promise it will be the best (and last) party you ever attend. See you there.
MR. SHUEY'S NOVEL "HEADLINE" MENTAL HEALTH TEST
(7.9.06)
So here's a little game I've invented. There are 20 headlines below. Some are real, some I've made-up. Think you know which are which? I'll bet you don't! (Note: this is not a "trick" in which they're ALL made-up. Honest. I wouldn't pull something like that. That's something a dick does.)Feel free to send me your guesses. The "winner" will get a prize to be determined later.
1) Aspirin kills/saves lives
2) 5 G.I.s Charged in Iraq rape-slay
3) Which Hot Styles Best Fit Her Face?
4) Fresh Israeli strikes target Gaza
5) New "Poison" to cure cancer?
6) Cruise to court Catholics?
7) Getting the Most Out Of Doggie playtime
8) Zarqawi comic book stash
9) Mexico Vote Flap to postpone Bullfights
10) Security Plan Staggers on
11) "Orphan Train" in Bangladesh catches fire; 22 Dead
12) Babies at 70? New Trend?
13) Next World Cup in Africa?
14) Study: Women Sweat More Than Men
15) Boy loses Fingers to Alligator; Will Keep as Pet
16) French P.M.: Head-butts "tres mauvais"
17) Toothpaste "ban" in Russian Province
18) Love All As Wimbledon Denies David Hasselhoff Row
19) Mexico Genocide Charges dropped
20) Rocket Size of Football Pitch New N. Korean threat?
Good luck!
Mr. Shuey
So here's a little game I've invented. There are 20 headlines below. Some are real, some I've made-up. Think you know which are which? I'll bet you don't! (Note: this is not a "trick" in which they're ALL made-up. Honest. I wouldn't pull something like that. That's something a dick does.)Feel free to send me your guesses. The "winner" will get a prize to be determined later.
1) Aspirin kills/saves lives
2) 5 G.I.s Charged in Iraq rape-slay
3) Which Hot Styles Best Fit Her Face?
4) Fresh Israeli strikes target Gaza
5) New "Poison" to cure cancer?
6) Cruise to court Catholics?
7) Getting the Most Out Of Doggie playtime
8) Zarqawi comic book stash
9) Mexico Vote Flap to postpone Bullfights
10) Security Plan Staggers on
11) "Orphan Train" in Bangladesh catches fire; 22 Dead
12) Babies at 70? New Trend?
13) Next World Cup in Africa?
14) Study: Women Sweat More Than Men
15) Boy loses Fingers to Alligator; Will Keep as Pet
16) French P.M.: Head-butts "tres mauvais"
17) Toothpaste "ban" in Russian Province
18) Love All As Wimbledon Denies David Hasselhoff Row
19) Mexico Genocide Charges dropped
20) Rocket Size of Football Pitch New N. Korean threat?
Good luck!
Mr. Shuey
WARNING! FRAYED FUCKING EDGES! (7.7.06)
So I sincerely hope this is taken in the spirit intended, but one never knows.
For reasons manifold and complex I am currently near the end of my fucking rope. I have come to believe that letting people know this is preferable to exploding without warning. So I guess what I'm asking for is a little leeway. I usually try to do the honorable thing and --when these moods take hold-- sequester myself until things blow over.
Unfortunately, that is not always an option.
Make no mistake. Being out and about (especially with friends and acquaintances) can be one of life's true pleasures. Unfortunately, when the "mood" takes hold it can be exactly the opposite. Small things, ordinarily brushed-off can become blasting caps. For instance:
DON'T BUMP INTO ME OR SHOVE PAST ME WITHOUT SAYING "EXCUSE ME:" I haven't punched anyone in years, but I'm getting damn close.
TALK WITH ME, NOT AT ME: If you'd like to have a conversation, that's swell. If you'd like to talk without pause in my general direction and expect me to sit there and nod politely, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself a lot.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS ALWAYS UNWELCOME: If you're doing so goddamned great, why are you sitting in a bar talking to a loser like me? Shouldn't you be on your yacht?
(AND ON A SIMILAR NOTE) THE RIGHT TEA AIN'T GONNA FIX THIS: It seems odd that someone like me would know so many well-meaning moon-bats who seem intent on forcing teas, balms, roots and "essences" down my throat (or "up" other places) with the promise of immediate blissful happiness. And they all seem to believe that it's the pharmaceutical companies who are the hustlers, not the folks at THE WEDGE. (HINT: They're BOTH hustlers.)
Long experience has taught me one simple truth: VALIUM WORKS! (Everything else is bullshit.)
So perhaps this was less a warning rather than a subtle way of trying to secure some Valium? Who knows? Like I said, I'm a little frayed!
Either way, I thought it best to let you folks know where things stand.
For reasons manifold and complex I am currently near the end of my fucking rope. I have come to believe that letting people know this is preferable to exploding without warning. So I guess what I'm asking for is a little leeway. I usually try to do the honorable thing and --when these moods take hold-- sequester myself until things blow over.
Unfortunately, that is not always an option.
Make no mistake. Being out and about (especially with friends and acquaintances) can be one of life's true pleasures. Unfortunately, when the "mood" takes hold it can be exactly the opposite. Small things, ordinarily brushed-off can become blasting caps. For instance:
DON'T BUMP INTO ME OR SHOVE PAST ME WITHOUT SAYING "EXCUSE ME:" I haven't punched anyone in years, but I'm getting damn close.
TALK WITH ME, NOT AT ME: If you'd like to have a conversation, that's swell. If you'd like to talk without pause in my general direction and expect me to sit there and nod politely, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself a lot.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS ALWAYS UNWELCOME: If you're doing so goddamned great, why are you sitting in a bar talking to a loser like me? Shouldn't you be on your yacht?
(AND ON A SIMILAR NOTE) THE RIGHT TEA AIN'T GONNA FIX THIS: It seems odd that someone like me would know so many well-meaning moon-bats who seem intent on forcing teas, balms, roots and "essences" down my throat (or "up" other places) with the promise of immediate blissful happiness. And they all seem to believe that it's the pharmaceutical companies who are the hustlers, not the folks at THE WEDGE. (HINT: They're BOTH hustlers.)
Long experience has taught me one simple truth: VALIUM WORKS! (Everything else is bullshit.)
So perhaps this was less a warning rather than a subtle way of trying to secure some Valium? Who knows? Like I said, I'm a little frayed!
Either way, I thought it best to let you folks know where things stand.
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