From April 15, 2007
Living on Nicollet and 25th I have many choices for Asian take-out. My favorite is the Taiwanese place, "Evergreen" Their chicken and cashews is the best around. But the prognostications in their fortune cookies are always well off the mark.
Here is what it foretold:
"There are many paths up the mountain, but the view is the same."
This is how it should have read:
"You will get an order of chicken and cashews on Tuesday because you are too lazy to cook for yourself. Delicious though it will be, it will give you gas that smells unsettlingly like the dish itself for 16 hours afterwards. The balance of your work-week will be tedious but tolerable and the weekend will bring no real surprises. On Saturday morning you will wake up and brew coffee while listening to a Rudy Ray Moore record lent to you by your friend Srinivas. By the time side "A" is winding down you will realize that you probably should have cleaned the record before you put it on. When you flip it you will clean side "B" and when it's done there won't be a big wad of dust on the needle when you pick up the tone arm. You will make a breakfast of scrambled eggs and Bays Brand English Muffins and eat it while watching the last half of "Citizen Kane" on TCM. You will have another cup of coffee and a cigarette and then you will do all the dishes from breakfast. You will shower and dress. Dave will pick you up and you will go to the practice space to do guitar over dubs because you can do guitars at the space because all the basic tracks are already down. You will take a break for dinner at 7:30 and go to "Whitey's" for a roast beef sandwich. You will watch the TWINS kind of pound the shit out of the DEVIL RAYS on the TV set. Then you will grab more coffee at the really gay coffee shop in North East that's name references Oscar Wilde and in your five minutes there will have occasion to always remember 'Key Lime Pie and Chocolate Cake!' as being something really funny someone said. You will go back to the space to do even more guitar shit and it will occur to you that you are drinking coffee later than you ordinarily allow yourself to. You will get a bit twitchy. You will try to combat this by drinking two bottles of the SPATEN pils you bought at Surdyk's earlier in the day. Then you will remember that just this morning you were looking on the internet to see if any of the weird small towns in Germany that you had visited a decade ago were noticeably different. They didn't seem to be. But who knows, really? Strange interlude where you and Dave try-out all available keyboard instruments in the practice space to try and salvage a perplexing verse part in a song that didn't seem perplexing until just now. Hairs are getting pulled out. Time to quit. Go to the Triple Rock for last call. Doug Stanhope did his act there earlier. THE STNNING followed. See a girl who's bra seems to be doing something bra's shouldn't be able to do. Randomly end up talking to her and she's a a world class twit. Imagine that? Bar closes. Go home. Open a beer because you knew a long time ago that you had too much coffee today."
Hungry?
Fortune Cookie anyone?
The fortune reads, 'There are many paths up the mountain, but the view is the same.'"
Friday, April 20, 2007
ASK MR. SHUEY #3: THE END OF THE WORLD
From April, 10 2007
Mr. Shuey,
I've been hearing a lot about global warming, but it's still fucking cold outside. Someone told me that it's going to snow this weekend. Is that complete bullshit? I also heard that Al Gore has decided to try his luck as a concert promoter. Do you think rock and roll can save the planet, or should I keep working on my escape pod?
Shanai
Minneapolis
Shanai,
This weekend ended yesterday, and I didn't see any snow. So yes, the phenomenon known as global warming is complete hokum.
Unless of course it's not.
I am not a climate scientist, but with my limited understanding of the subject it's clear that when scientists do talk about global warming they are talking about mean or average temperatures over the whole planet. (That's why they call it GLOBAL warming and not MINNEAPOLIS warming.) People who point to unusually warm days in December or the opposite in April or May to prove or disprove the theory are not really grasping the scientific principles involved and are usually just whiny jerks anyway.
Numbers being numbers, there is little debate over whether global temperatures are on the rise. The real debate is about how much of this is a result of human activity. I don't have the answer to that, but it seems reasonable to me that dumping tons and tons of pollutants into the atmosphere is bound to have SOME effect.
This is why I have chosen to do my part and drive a steam-powered automobile with a boiler that burns clean, low sulfur anthracite coal! It is fast as a horse-and-a-half and gets four miles per twenty pound sack!
(Full disclosure: The Pennsylvania Coal Association has hidden my parents in an abandoned mine shaft in Centralia and their continued care and feeding are attendant on my trumpeting the many fine qualities of clean, hard, delicious anthracite coal.)
And don't count on rock and roll to remedy the situation. Myself being the notable exception, the world of rock and roll is peopled exclusively by juvenile, mentally diseased nitwits.
Think about it, would you let these cretins stay in your apartment unattended?
I didn't think so.
And you expect them to clean-up the Earth?
The line-ups for these, "Live Earth" concerts are almost all has-beens an hacks. None of these alleged artists are cutting checks themselves, but they want you and I to pony-up outlandish sums of money to attend their crummy concerts. All the while they fly in and out on private jets, eat shrimp cocktail backstage and get to hear what swell people they are.
So yes, keep working on your escape pod. And it better be a damn good one. There is but one habitable planet in this solar system, and you're on it.
Speculation about options outside of our own solar system vary, but the nearest opportunity I've read about was discovered by the HARPS spectrograph in the area of a star designated HD 69830. Some astronomers think there may be Earth-like planets in its orbit. Here's the bad part: At the speed of light it will take you 41 years to reach it.
So pack a big lunch.
Best of luck!
P.S As to Al Gore's transition from lawyer to politician to concert promoter I must say it is a demonstrable slide DOWN in the human shit-puddle. I am not sure there is a lower form of life than concert promoter, and that includes presidential candidate.
Mr. Shuey,
I've been hearing a lot about global warming, but it's still fucking cold outside. Someone told me that it's going to snow this weekend. Is that complete bullshit? I also heard that Al Gore has decided to try his luck as a concert promoter. Do you think rock and roll can save the planet, or should I keep working on my escape pod?
Shanai
Minneapolis
Shanai,
This weekend ended yesterday, and I didn't see any snow. So yes, the phenomenon known as global warming is complete hokum.
Unless of course it's not.
I am not a climate scientist, but with my limited understanding of the subject it's clear that when scientists do talk about global warming they are talking about mean or average temperatures over the whole planet. (That's why they call it GLOBAL warming and not MINNEAPOLIS warming.) People who point to unusually warm days in December or the opposite in April or May to prove or disprove the theory are not really grasping the scientific principles involved and are usually just whiny jerks anyway.
Numbers being numbers, there is little debate over whether global temperatures are on the rise. The real debate is about how much of this is a result of human activity. I don't have the answer to that, but it seems reasonable to me that dumping tons and tons of pollutants into the atmosphere is bound to have SOME effect.
This is why I have chosen to do my part and drive a steam-powered automobile with a boiler that burns clean, low sulfur anthracite coal! It is fast as a horse-and-a-half and gets four miles per twenty pound sack!
(Full disclosure: The Pennsylvania Coal Association has hidden my parents in an abandoned mine shaft in Centralia and their continued care and feeding are attendant on my trumpeting the many fine qualities of clean, hard, delicious anthracite coal.)
And don't count on rock and roll to remedy the situation. Myself being the notable exception, the world of rock and roll is peopled exclusively by juvenile, mentally diseased nitwits.
Think about it, would you let these cretins stay in your apartment unattended?
I didn't think so.
And you expect them to clean-up the Earth?
The line-ups for these, "Live Earth" concerts are almost all has-beens an hacks. None of these alleged artists are cutting checks themselves, but they want you and I to pony-up outlandish sums of money to attend their crummy concerts. All the while they fly in and out on private jets, eat shrimp cocktail backstage and get to hear what swell people they are.
So yes, keep working on your escape pod. And it better be a damn good one. There is but one habitable planet in this solar system, and you're on it.
Speculation about options outside of our own solar system vary, but the nearest opportunity I've read about was discovered by the HARPS spectrograph in the area of a star designated HD 69830. Some astronomers think there may be Earth-like planets in its orbit. Here's the bad part: At the speed of light it will take you 41 years to reach it.
So pack a big lunch.
Best of luck!
P.S As to Al Gore's transition from lawyer to politician to concert promoter I must say it is a demonstrable slide DOWN in the human shit-puddle. I am not sure there is a lower form of life than concert promoter, and that includes presidential candidate.
ASK MR. SHUEY #2: BOSNIAN FILM FUN!
From April 5, 2007
Mr. Shuey,
I recently found out about a movie on a topic that interests me a significant amount-- my war torn country. The film in question ("Grbavica: The Land of My Dreams") screened at the Walker Art Center in March and I was not able to attend the event as I was in New York at the time. The film is no longer screening anywhere and is not available for sale on DVD. This makes me frustrated. My patience has run out and I am now sad. And angry.
What can I do? Please do not recommend seeing a similar film as this will only anger me more.
Veda,
Minneapolis
Veda,
Well we don't want you sad. And given your background I suppose we really don't want you angry! So let's see if we can't solve this.
The movie in question, "Grbavica: Land of My Dreams" is by Bosnian director Jasmila Zbanic. It deals with a mother and daughter coming to terms with the lingering effects of the Yugoslav war over a decade ago. For those who may have forgotten, among manifold atrocities that took place during this war there were particularly outrageous cruelties perpetrated on Bosnian woman. To try to discuss those turbulent post-Communist years in this humble column would be overreaching, to say the least.
But let's get back to the matter at hand, which is much easier to solve than centuries of ethnic hatred.
The movie is being distributed here in America by STRAND RELEASING. They are an indie film distributor in Culver City, CA who also deal in DVDs. There email address is strand@strandreleasing.com.
I sent them an email asking if they would be handling an American DVD release, but have yet to hear back. My guess is that if they are going to put it out on DVD it won't be any time soon.
The movie IS available on DVD right now, however not in the States. British DOGWOOF PICTURES released a DVD version on March 26 of this year. I found it on http://www.amazon.co.uk/ for 11.99 (that's pounds, not dollars.) You may have encountered a problem finding it because the UK title is, "Esma's Secret."
Another problem you will encounter is that the UK version will be a REGION 2 DVD and won't play on your standard American DVD player. My friend Dave-- master of all things Mac-- assures me that the region coding will be circumvented nicely by any late model Macintosh, and you can just watch it right there on your computer.
So if you've got 23 dollars, a Macintosh, and just a little patience I think we've got this one licked.
But that seems just a bit too easy, doesn't it? After all, it was a SCREENING you missed, so I think we ought to try to get you to a screening to make up for that.
In the next month the film will be shown in Salt Lake City, Denver, Seattle, Philadelphia, Dallas, Washington, D.C. and a few other spots.
Here's my plan:
There is a Bosnia-Herzegovina consulate in Chicago. Their phone number is, (312) 951-1245. Call them up and tell them you'd like to write an article on the film for a local paper but can't get the tightwads in the accounting department to sign-off on your expense account request. (Blame American ignorance of Bosnian culture, and lay it on thick!) See if you can't get them to front you the dough for a trip to one of these fine cities, hotel and passes to the movie. Diplomats being what they are, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they went for it.
One more thing, make sure you ask them for TWO plane tickets, because after all this research I would kind of like to see the damn thing myself!
Best of luck!
Mr. Shuey,
I recently found out about a movie on a topic that interests me a significant amount-- my war torn country. The film in question ("Grbavica: The Land of My Dreams") screened at the Walker Art Center in March and I was not able to attend the event as I was in New York at the time. The film is no longer screening anywhere and is not available for sale on DVD. This makes me frustrated. My patience has run out and I am now sad. And angry.
What can I do? Please do not recommend seeing a similar film as this will only anger me more.
Veda,
Minneapolis
Veda,
Well we don't want you sad. And given your background I suppose we really don't want you angry! So let's see if we can't solve this.
The movie in question, "Grbavica: Land of My Dreams" is by Bosnian director Jasmila Zbanic. It deals with a mother and daughter coming to terms with the lingering effects of the Yugoslav war over a decade ago. For those who may have forgotten, among manifold atrocities that took place during this war there were particularly outrageous cruelties perpetrated on Bosnian woman. To try to discuss those turbulent post-Communist years in this humble column would be overreaching, to say the least.
But let's get back to the matter at hand, which is much easier to solve than centuries of ethnic hatred.
The movie is being distributed here in America by STRAND RELEASING. They are an indie film distributor in Culver City, CA who also deal in DVDs. There email address is strand@strandreleasing.com.
I sent them an email asking if they would be handling an American DVD release, but have yet to hear back. My guess is that if they are going to put it out on DVD it won't be any time soon.
The movie IS available on DVD right now, however not in the States. British DOGWOOF PICTURES released a DVD version on March 26 of this year. I found it on http://www.amazon.co.uk/ for 11.99 (that's pounds, not dollars.) You may have encountered a problem finding it because the UK title is, "Esma's Secret."
Another problem you will encounter is that the UK version will be a REGION 2 DVD and won't play on your standard American DVD player. My friend Dave-- master of all things Mac-- assures me that the region coding will be circumvented nicely by any late model Macintosh, and you can just watch it right there on your computer.
So if you've got 23 dollars, a Macintosh, and just a little patience I think we've got this one licked.
But that seems just a bit too easy, doesn't it? After all, it was a SCREENING you missed, so I think we ought to try to get you to a screening to make up for that.
In the next month the film will be shown in Salt Lake City, Denver, Seattle, Philadelphia, Dallas, Washington, D.C. and a few other spots.
Here's my plan:
There is a Bosnia-Herzegovina consulate in Chicago. Their phone number is, (312) 951-1245. Call them up and tell them you'd like to write an article on the film for a local paper but can't get the tightwads in the accounting department to sign-off on your expense account request. (Blame American ignorance of Bosnian culture, and lay it on thick!) See if you can't get them to front you the dough for a trip to one of these fine cities, hotel and passes to the movie. Diplomats being what they are, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they went for it.
One more thing, make sure you ask them for TWO plane tickets, because after all this research I would kind of like to see the damn thing myself!
Best of luck!
ASK MR. SHUEY #1: COFFEE CONUNDRUM
From March 21, 2007
Mr. Shuey,
I enjoy a lot of coffee in the morning on my way to work. Are other people suffering because I love coffee?
Tom R.
Minneapolis
Tom,
There are some people, certain philosophers and religious hustlers, who would argue that your VERY EXISTENCE causes other people to suffer. But I choose to be more charitable
As to your question, I would have to say that enjoying "lots" of coffee on your way to work could indeed be causing untold misery-- both at home and abroad.
The United States imports most of its Arabica coffee beans from Columbia. Columbia's top two "official" exports are petroleum and coffee. Oddly, no one ever lists cocaine, but somehow "cut flowers" are always among the top five exports--and I figure that's got to be code for something.
The labor pool and amount of land under cultivation-- while not completely static-- is, for reasons to complex to go into here, somewhat inflexible. As a result, Columbians who might otherwise be engaged in the production of coca-- and its refinement into cocaine-- are wasting their time growing all that extra coffee you "enjoy."
Why is this a problem?
Less coca production means less supply, which means higher prices, which means twitchier American coke fiends, which means more headaches for anyone who has to deal with these people. (Cops, social service workers, and anyone who has to tour manage a rock band.)
There is an upside, though. Less cocaine means less lousy DJ music, which I think we can all agree is in everyone's best interest. Also, if cocaine were cheaper and more available I might start using it myself, and I run my mouth too much as it is.
If you're really worried about the balance sheet of human misery and your impact on the level of parity in Columbian agricultural output I do have a solution.
Skip the coffee every once and awhile and lay down a fat old rail of coke on your dashboard before work. Just do me a favor and avoid my neighborhood on such mornings.
Mr. Shuey,
I enjoy a lot of coffee in the morning on my way to work. Are other people suffering because I love coffee?
Tom R.
Minneapolis
Tom,
There are some people, certain philosophers and religious hustlers, who would argue that your VERY EXISTENCE causes other people to suffer. But I choose to be more charitable
As to your question, I would have to say that enjoying "lots" of coffee on your way to work could indeed be causing untold misery-- both at home and abroad.
The United States imports most of its Arabica coffee beans from Columbia. Columbia's top two "official" exports are petroleum and coffee. Oddly, no one ever lists cocaine, but somehow "cut flowers" are always among the top five exports--and I figure that's got to be code for something.
The labor pool and amount of land under cultivation-- while not completely static-- is, for reasons to complex to go into here, somewhat inflexible. As a result, Columbians who might otherwise be engaged in the production of coca-- and its refinement into cocaine-- are wasting their time growing all that extra coffee you "enjoy."
Why is this a problem?
Less coca production means less supply, which means higher prices, which means twitchier American coke fiends, which means more headaches for anyone who has to deal with these people. (Cops, social service workers, and anyone who has to tour manage a rock band.)
There is an upside, though. Less cocaine means less lousy DJ music, which I think we can all agree is in everyone's best interest. Also, if cocaine were cheaper and more available I might start using it myself, and I run my mouth too much as it is.
If you're really worried about the balance sheet of human misery and your impact on the level of parity in Columbian agricultural output I do have a solution.
Skip the coffee every once and awhile and lay down a fat old rail of coke on your dashboard before work. Just do me a favor and avoid my neighborhood on such mornings.
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