ASK MR. SHUEY #1: COFFEE CONUNDRUM

From March 21, 2007

Mr. Shuey,

I enjoy a lot of coffee in the morning on my way to work. Are other people suffering because I love coffee?

Tom R.
Minneapolis

Tom,

There are some people, certain philosophers and religious hustlers, who would argue that your VERY EXISTENCE causes other people to suffer. But I choose to be more charitable

As to your question, I would have to say that enjoying "lots" of coffee on your way to work could indeed be causing untold misery-- both at home and abroad.

The United States imports most of its Arabica coffee beans from Columbia. Columbia's top two "official" exports are petroleum and coffee. Oddly, no one ever lists cocaine, but somehow "cut flowers" are always among the top five exports--and I figure that's got to be code for something.
The labor pool and amount of land under cultivation-- while not completely static-- is, for reasons to complex to go into here, somewhat inflexible. As a result, Columbians who might otherwise be engaged in the production of coca-- and its refinement into cocaine-- are wasting their time growing all that extra coffee you "enjoy."

Why is this a problem?

Less coca production means less supply, which means higher prices, which means twitchier American coke fiends, which means more headaches for anyone who has to deal with these people. (Cops, social service workers, and anyone who has to tour manage a rock band.)
There is an upside, though. Less cocaine means less lousy DJ music, which I think we can all agree is in everyone's best interest. Also, if cocaine were cheaper and more available I might start using it myself, and I run my mouth too much as it is.

If you're really worried about the balance sheet of human misery and your impact on the level of parity in Columbian agricultural output I do have a solution.

Skip the coffee every once and awhile and lay down a fat old rail of coke on your dashboard before work. Just do me a favor and avoid my neighborhood on such mornings.