For the many thousands of you who entered the "$10 Bonsai Pool" back in January, we now find ourselves at the three month mark and an update on my progress seems only proper.
There were a handful of un-believers who's wagers had me killing-off the tree within the first few months--or weeks, in some cases. I won't mention any names, but your lack of faith in me did not go unmarked!
Rest assured, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THAT $10 BILL!
And as if to rub it in, the Treasury Department has just issued new tens-- and they're very smart looking!
It is with great pleasure (and no small amount of pride) that I report the bonsai tree is ALIVE and THRIVING!
For those of you who would have any doubts, you may go to my profile page and look at pictures section. There you will find an image of the tree looking quite robust and holding a copy of this past Sunday's STAR TRIBUNE.
(By the way, my bonsai wanted me to mention that he found the Strib's coverage of the University of Minnesota Stadium debate pandering and short-sighted. It seems he would much rather see the money spent on an arboretum. I tried to explain to him that, "politics is the allocation of scarce resources." He told me to, "shut the fuck up" and get him another beer.)
Semper Fi Bonsai!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
A SHORTY AND SOME SHOWS... (FROM APRIL 21, 2006)
A very short work of fiction, "SATURDAY NIGHT." by Brian David Shuey
"What was THAT all about?"
"What?"
"The look that women gave you?"
"She gave me a look?"
"Yeah, that red-head that just walked by." "Do you know her?"
"Ummmm..."
"Well she certainly seems to know YOU."
"I still don't know who you're talking about."
"That RED-HEADED SLUT that just breezed by us!" "She gave ME a look, too."
"What kind of look?"
"I don't know, a red-headed slut kind of look. Like she knew something."
"Knew something about WHAT?"
"That's what I'd like YOU to tell ME!"
"Listen, it's crowded as fuck in here, I can't even figure out who it is you're talking about."
"You're not a very good liar, you know that?"
"Oh Jesus, not this again?"
"Not WHAT again?"
"Listen, I'm going to the bar to get a drink."
"Say hello to your little red-headed friend!"
"You know what, FUCK YOU!"
DIE ELECTRIC! SHOWS NEXT WEEK:
THURSDAY, APRIL 27: UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN, STOUT (w/ THE CARDINAL SIN)
FRIDAY, APRIL 28: THE TURF CLUB, ST. PAUL (for THUNDER IN THE VALLEY'S CD RELEASE)
SATURDAY, APRIL 29: THE VARSITY THEATER, MPLS, MN (FOR THE "EYES AND HANDS" FESTIVAL)
"What was THAT all about?"
"What?"
"The look that women gave you?"
"She gave me a look?"
"Yeah, that red-head that just walked by." "Do you know her?"
"Ummmm..."
"Well she certainly seems to know YOU."
"I still don't know who you're talking about."
"That RED-HEADED SLUT that just breezed by us!" "She gave ME a look, too."
"What kind of look?"
"I don't know, a red-headed slut kind of look. Like she knew something."
"Knew something about WHAT?"
"That's what I'd like YOU to tell ME!"
"Listen, it's crowded as fuck in here, I can't even figure out who it is you're talking about."
"You're not a very good liar, you know that?"
"Oh Jesus, not this again?"
"Not WHAT again?"
"Listen, I'm going to the bar to get a drink."
"Say hello to your little red-headed friend!"
"You know what, FUCK YOU!"
DIE ELECTRIC! SHOWS NEXT WEEK:
THURSDAY, APRIL 27: UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN, STOUT (w/ THE CARDINAL SIN)
FRIDAY, APRIL 28: THE TURF CLUB, ST. PAUL (for THUNDER IN THE VALLEY'S CD RELEASE)
SATURDAY, APRIL 29: THE VARSITY THEATER, MPLS, MN (FOR THE "EYES AND HANDS" FESTIVAL)
FUNNY THING... (FROM APRIL 19, 2006)
So I'm sitting on my front steps waiting for a ride the other night when a dude comes up and asks if he can join me.
"Why not?" I say.
Now, nothing he would do in the next five minutes would in any way bother me, but in light of his parting comment I couldn't help finding the whole interaction rather amusing. In that brief span of time he would:
-ask me for a money (misdemeanor- panhandling)
-enjoy an alcoholic beverage on a public street (misdemeanor- open container)
-attempt to sell me marijuana (misdemeanor- drug offense)
-attempt to sell three passersby marijuana (3 more drug offenses)
-loiter (misdemeanor)
-litter (misdemeanor)
- Attempt to sell three passersby memory cards for their cell phones. (Possession and attempted sale of stolen goods)
(To be fair, perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt on the last one. I don't know what an "authorized" independent late-night cellular phone memory card street vendor looks like-- or even if such a thing exists-- but then, if they do I don't imagine they carry open cans of malt liquor.)
As I said, I didn't really give a shit about any of it, but when the police seemed to have ceased their runs on Nicollet, he took his leave, saying, "Thanks for letting me duck-down here. Those motherfuckers got nothing better to do than drive up and down the street hassling innocent people!"
At that, it took some restraint on my part not to bust-out laughing.
People like that really make my day.
"Why not?" I say.
Now, nothing he would do in the next five minutes would in any way bother me, but in light of his parting comment I couldn't help finding the whole interaction rather amusing. In that brief span of time he would:
-ask me for a money (misdemeanor- panhandling)
-enjoy an alcoholic beverage on a public street (misdemeanor- open container)
-attempt to sell me marijuana (misdemeanor- drug offense)
-attempt to sell three passersby marijuana (3 more drug offenses)
-loiter (misdemeanor)
-litter (misdemeanor)
- Attempt to sell three passersby memory cards for their cell phones. (Possession and attempted sale of stolen goods)
(To be fair, perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt on the last one. I don't know what an "authorized" independent late-night cellular phone memory card street vendor looks like-- or even if such a thing exists-- but then, if they do I don't imagine they carry open cans of malt liquor.)
As I said, I didn't really give a shit about any of it, but when the police seemed to have ceased their runs on Nicollet, he took his leave, saying, "Thanks for letting me duck-down here. Those motherfuckers got nothing better to do than drive up and down the street hassling innocent people!"
At that, it took some restraint on my part not to bust-out laughing.
People like that really make my day.
"SHALL MAKE NO LAW..." SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR TO ME (FROM APRIL 17, 2006)
Hey, citizens!The 2006 THOMAS JEFFERSON, "MUZZLE AWARDS" HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED!
The Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression yearly awards the dubious "Muzzle"s to persons or groups who WOULD ABRIDGE THE RIGHT OF FREE EXPRESSION for any number of reasons-- from the evil to the benign to the well-intentioned (if misguided.)
"YOU KNOW WHO," (shhh.. he could be listening) topped the list for his charmingly retro, Nixonesque warrentless wiretaps.
The rest of these swine comprise a diverse rogue's gallery that serve to remind that there are folks all over the political spectrum that think they know what's best for us.
to view the "MUZZLES," go here:http://www.tjcenter.org/muzzles.html
Need a brush-up on our Constitution? Go here:http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html
Too lazy for all that shit? Here's the amendment that all the kids are talking about:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Pretty neat, Huh?
The Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression yearly awards the dubious "Muzzle"s to persons or groups who WOULD ABRIDGE THE RIGHT OF FREE EXPRESSION for any number of reasons-- from the evil to the benign to the well-intentioned (if misguided.)
"YOU KNOW WHO," (shhh.. he could be listening) topped the list for his charmingly retro, Nixonesque warrentless wiretaps.
The rest of these swine comprise a diverse rogue's gallery that serve to remind that there are folks all over the political spectrum that think they know what's best for us.
to view the "MUZZLES," go here:http://www.tjcenter.org/muzzles.html
Need a brush-up on our Constitution? Go here:http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html
Too lazy for all that shit? Here's the amendment that all the kids are talking about:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Pretty neat, Huh?
ZOMBIES AND KNIFE-WIELDING LUNATICS (FROM APRIL 12, 2006)
For years now, even if I am not in the mood to put away ALL the dishes, I will at least put any large kitchen knives back in the drawer. I do this because if a lunatic were to break into my apartment, I don't want anything big and sharp to be handy. I mean, if he's going to kill me with my own knife I would really rather he had to root around in the drawer for it.
In fact, I would prefer he bring his own weapon, because I would hate for my last thoughts to be, "You asshole! Why did you have to buy such a good knife?"
"'TOP OF THE LINE-- SHARP AND STURDY,' it said on the box!"
"This prick can stab you all night with this thing and it will never dull or break!"
Then that got me thinking about how a few years ago I took to practicing getting my keys out of my pocket and into the door as quickly as possible. I did this because I figured that if I were being chased by zombies (and they weren't slow, like in the movies) it would be a handy skill to develop. I know that no locked door can keep the zombies out forever, but at least it would provide anyone who happened to be watching with a more dramatic narrative.
Zombies are also the reason that for years I was a bit nervous about not really having the hang of "driving stick." I was convinced that in an attempt to escape the zombies unquenchable lust for brains, I would no doubt find myself behind the wheel of a car with a standard transmission. As I stalled repeatedly I would think, "You asshole! Why didn't get around to learning to drive a stick-shift?" ("And why did you leave your good kitchen knife at home in a drawer?")
So now I can drive a stick with the best of them, am quick with the keys, and all my dangerous cutlery is securely stowed away.
(And yet, I still have trouble sleeping at night...)
In fact, I would prefer he bring his own weapon, because I would hate for my last thoughts to be, "You asshole! Why did you have to buy such a good knife?"
"'TOP OF THE LINE-- SHARP AND STURDY,' it said on the box!"
"This prick can stab you all night with this thing and it will never dull or break!"
Then that got me thinking about how a few years ago I took to practicing getting my keys out of my pocket and into the door as quickly as possible. I did this because I figured that if I were being chased by zombies (and they weren't slow, like in the movies) it would be a handy skill to develop. I know that no locked door can keep the zombies out forever, but at least it would provide anyone who happened to be watching with a more dramatic narrative.
Zombies are also the reason that for years I was a bit nervous about not really having the hang of "driving stick." I was convinced that in an attempt to escape the zombies unquenchable lust for brains, I would no doubt find myself behind the wheel of a car with a standard transmission. As I stalled repeatedly I would think, "You asshole! Why didn't get around to learning to drive a stick-shift?" ("And why did you leave your good kitchen knife at home in a drawer?")
So now I can drive a stick with the best of them, am quick with the keys, and all my dangerous cutlery is securely stowed away.
(And yet, I still have trouble sleeping at night...)
I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO WATCH THE SCI-FI CHANNEL ANYMORE
Alright kids, tell me if you think this indicates a problem...I opened a post yesterday marked "CHAINMAIL" because I immediately thought the subject must relate to:"chain mail"(noun) Flexible armor made of joined metal links or scalesa)
It never occured to me that they meant the "other" kind of chain mail.
Why was I instantly drawn-in by the subject of medieval armor? I honestly had a moment where I struck my own forehead and thought, "Oh, you dork, they meant a chain letter!"
(On the same subject and only slightly less disturbing: We have a show Friday night and I keep thinking about how sound check will cause me to miss a new episode of, "Doctor Who"
Is that fucked up?
It never occured to me that they meant the "other" kind of chain mail.
Why was I instantly drawn-in by the subject of medieval armor? I honestly had a moment where I struck my own forehead and thought, "Oh, you dork, they meant a chain letter!"
(On the same subject and only slightly less disturbing: We have a show Friday night and I keep thinking about how sound check will cause me to miss a new episode of, "Doctor Who"
Is that fucked up?
TO ANYONE WHO HAD TO PUT UP WITH ME LAST NIGHT (THANKS!) (FROM MARCH, 19 2006)
Oyez! Oyez! Citoyen! (That's FRENCH, chumps! The language of international diplomacy.)
So here goes: It's 11:03 Sunday morning and I think I am still sort of drunk. The McLaughlin Group is on, but my head can't take all that yelling. I blame Andy. (Or thank Andy, I'm not sure which is more appropriate.) Andy, I am NOT funnier than you, I'm just funnier than you. Dig?
Last night I went down to the Dragon for Amanda Johnson (ne: Becker's) birthday. I saw a great many people who I really don't encounter as much as I used to. If you are among those people than I will say again that it was a joy to be with all of you. (I can only assume I said it repeatedly last night.)
I made one innocent observation: "You know, Andy. Vodka is the most popular spirit in the United States, yet how often do you see people drinking it straight?"
It was that off-hand comment that would be my undoing. I had three (possibly four) double shots of Stoli and that was three (possibly four) more than I needed. Those of you who know me well know that a few years back when the doctor told me I had an ulcer I sort of swore off liquor and resigned myself to a "beer only" consumption regimen. That has worked pretty well, but occasionally I throw caution to the wind and the results are… well, you saw them last night.
I take some comfort in the fact that I am not a "mean" drunk, but rather a silly, sentimental one. And--as I am slowly sobering as I write this-- I can assure you the sentiment is genuine. The group of people who I had the pleasure of keeping company with last night are of late rarely assembled outside of a wedding or similarly officious occasion. I won't say that it is unfortunate. It's just the way life goes. But goddamn if it wasn't nice to see all of you. And with the exception of those who answered the siren call of SXSW, just about all of my favorite people were in one place last night. And it was a hell of a thing.
OBSERVATIONS MOST RANDOM:
a) I bought my ticket for the Bob Pollard show yesterday. Mark said he hasn't sold that many yet. Who's going with me?
b) Japan beat Korea in the WBC semifinal last night. In light of their shared history, I was kind of pulling for Korea. Also, Ichiro continues to blow my mind. He had what I can only describe as a "drag single" to second base that he beat-out by a fraction of a step. Is anyone not named Nick Thalhuber faster? That said, they highlighted a quote from Ichiro on his desire to demonstrate Japanese dominance--in baseball-- over Korea and Chinese Taipei that was eerily reminiscent of "Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" rhetoric of the late-nineteenth-early twentieth century . It was fucking creepy.
c) Still On Baseball: Harold Reynolds should kill Tim McCarver and feast on his corpse. Reynolds calls a game like a thing of beauty, yet some asshole somewhere gives all the big games to McCarver. (Dave G. and I have discussed this at some length.) What is to be done?
d) STILL On Baseball: GODDAMN I can't wait to start playing baseball again.
e) On Rock and Roll: While I was watching the game last night I was listening to a live recording of Fred Sonic Smith's Ascension in Detroit, 1973. GODDAMN DO I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL.
f) On Apple Pie: GODDAMN do I love apple pie. What's more, I love MY MOM'S apple pie. Seriously, it's amazing. Is it possible I am the truest example of the red-blooded American to currently tread the earth? FUCK YOU, BILL O"REILLY! FUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH WITH A RUBBER DICK!* (*borrowed from George Carlin, another great American.)
g) Kid Mankato and I are going to Punch Pizza for lunch. Any takers?
h) If any of you actually read this to the end…. Thanks.
So here goes: It's 11:03 Sunday morning and I think I am still sort of drunk. The McLaughlin Group is on, but my head can't take all that yelling. I blame Andy. (Or thank Andy, I'm not sure which is more appropriate.) Andy, I am NOT funnier than you, I'm just funnier than you. Dig?
Last night I went down to the Dragon for Amanda Johnson (ne: Becker's) birthday. I saw a great many people who I really don't encounter as much as I used to. If you are among those people than I will say again that it was a joy to be with all of you. (I can only assume I said it repeatedly last night.)
I made one innocent observation: "You know, Andy. Vodka is the most popular spirit in the United States, yet how often do you see people drinking it straight?"
It was that off-hand comment that would be my undoing. I had three (possibly four) double shots of Stoli and that was three (possibly four) more than I needed. Those of you who know me well know that a few years back when the doctor told me I had an ulcer I sort of swore off liquor and resigned myself to a "beer only" consumption regimen. That has worked pretty well, but occasionally I throw caution to the wind and the results are… well, you saw them last night.
I take some comfort in the fact that I am not a "mean" drunk, but rather a silly, sentimental one. And--as I am slowly sobering as I write this-- I can assure you the sentiment is genuine. The group of people who I had the pleasure of keeping company with last night are of late rarely assembled outside of a wedding or similarly officious occasion. I won't say that it is unfortunate. It's just the way life goes. But goddamn if it wasn't nice to see all of you. And with the exception of those who answered the siren call of SXSW, just about all of my favorite people were in one place last night. And it was a hell of a thing.
OBSERVATIONS MOST RANDOM:
a) I bought my ticket for the Bob Pollard show yesterday. Mark said he hasn't sold that many yet. Who's going with me?
b) Japan beat Korea in the WBC semifinal last night. In light of their shared history, I was kind of pulling for Korea. Also, Ichiro continues to blow my mind. He had what I can only describe as a "drag single" to second base that he beat-out by a fraction of a step. Is anyone not named Nick Thalhuber faster? That said, they highlighted a quote from Ichiro on his desire to demonstrate Japanese dominance--in baseball-- over Korea and Chinese Taipei that was eerily reminiscent of "Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" rhetoric of the late-nineteenth-early twentieth century . It was fucking creepy.
c) Still On Baseball: Harold Reynolds should kill Tim McCarver and feast on his corpse. Reynolds calls a game like a thing of beauty, yet some asshole somewhere gives all the big games to McCarver. (Dave G. and I have discussed this at some length.) What is to be done?
d) STILL On Baseball: GODDAMN I can't wait to start playing baseball again.
e) On Rock and Roll: While I was watching the game last night I was listening to a live recording of Fred Sonic Smith's Ascension in Detroit, 1973. GODDAMN DO I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL.
f) On Apple Pie: GODDAMN do I love apple pie. What's more, I love MY MOM'S apple pie. Seriously, it's amazing. Is it possible I am the truest example of the red-blooded American to currently tread the earth? FUCK YOU, BILL O"REILLY! FUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH WITH A RUBBER DICK!* (*borrowed from George Carlin, another great American.)
g) Kid Mankato and I are going to Punch Pizza for lunch. Any takers?
h) If any of you actually read this to the end…. Thanks.
MAKING YOUR CLOTHES FROM OLD ARMY TENTS WILL DO NOTHING TO STOP THE WAR
The anti-war protesters who were working the intersections in Uptown today were remarkably sorry-assed-looking bunch. Is there a special level of earnestness that prevents one from examining oneself in a mirror? As far as I can tell, avoiding wearing pants that actually "fit" and clothes that have been "laundered" has little if any effect on expansionist U.S. foreign policy.
It's an odd thing, because while I agree with their sentiments, part of me kind of didn't want to. Then it hit me, if you look at film from old civil rights protests the people looked GOOD. Crisp, clean white shirts. Pants were pressed. They had dignity. (Perhaps it was because it was dignity that they were marching for.) Either way, an observer would be hard-pressed to argue that they didn't deserve to be taken seriously.
The people I saw today just looked like a bunch of fucking clowns. Sorry, but its true.
It's an odd thing, because while I agree with their sentiments, part of me kind of didn't want to. Then it hit me, if you look at film from old civil rights protests the people looked GOOD. Crisp, clean white shirts. Pants were pressed. They had dignity. (Perhaps it was because it was dignity that they were marching for.) Either way, an observer would be hard-pressed to argue that they didn't deserve to be taken seriously.
The people I saw today just looked like a bunch of fucking clowns. Sorry, but its true.
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