Ask Mr. Shuey No. 6: "All About Balls"

(From May 24, 2007)

Dear Mr. Shuey, Is it ok to hit a man in the "nuts?" And furthermore, are you ready to get hit in the "nuts?" Mary, Minneapolis Mary, This is important. I want to be as clear as possible. Unless a person is defending herself from grievous bodily harm or some cruel violation, IT IS NEVER OK TO HIT A MAN IN THE NUTS. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you think it is funny. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts to make a point. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts to get his attention. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you just got "BINGO," and are excited. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because you disagree with him over the role of labor in various economic models. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because he didn't notice your new haircut. It is not ok to hit a man in the nuts because he is a Cubs fan. (Although, if he is a Cubs fan, it is unlikely he has nuts to begin with.) Evolution placed our testicles on the outside of our body for a reason. Scrotal expansion and contraction regulates the temperature of the testicles so they can perform their primary function, which is the production of sperm. Sperm is our admittedly modest contribution to the making of babies, and men in sexual maturity are pretty much making it all the time. This is nature's way of telling us, "You never know what's waiting 'round the corner!" Not surprisingly, this arrangement puts the testicles at an increased risk of being damaged. Physicians divide testicular trauma into three main categories: BLUNT, PENETRATION and DEGLOVING. (Degloving means just what it sounds like, and I find I cannot type the word with out getting slightly ill.) Hitting a man in the nuts would likely only result in blunt trauma. While certainly less troubling than penetration or degloving it's still no damn fun. Blunt testicular trauma is most often associated with athletic activity and while permanent damage is rare, it is not unheard of. Also, it hurts. I mean, it hurts A LOT. Men may never know the pain of childbirth, but women will never know the pain that can result from having ones sensitive reproductive organs on the outside. Just sort of hanging there. All vulnerable and such. By the way, if like me you were wondering what the commonest causes of testicular penetration (and the dreaded degloving) are I will spare you the details. Just be glad you don't work around farm equipment. As to the second part of your question, the answer is "no." I am not ready to get hit in the nuts. I do consider myself ready NOT TO get hit in the nuts, which I think is an important distinction. And that is in no way intended as a challenge. Best of luck, Mr. Shuey P.S. I include the following photo links for two reasons. First, to let people know the serious consequences of testicular trauma. And second, to demonstrate the lengths I go to in your humble service. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. http://wwwscielo.isciii.es/img/aue/v28n5/images/393-395f1.jpg http://www.uroatlas.net/trauma/fotos/dfc-cr04p.JPG