2008 Recap!

JANUARY: Accidentally contracted progressive inflammatory neuropathy from inhaling aerosolized pig brains while working in a slaughterhouse in southern Minnesota. Was cured by one of my Somali coworkers who applied a poultice of dried khat and the menses of a blind, uncircumcised virgin. At least he said I was cured. Come to think of it…

FEBRUARY: Celebrated the unofficially semi-official resignation of Fidel Castro by getting completely shit-faced with a bunch of Mexicans. It turns out what they were celebrating was a tie between the U.S. and Mexican national teams in a cup qualifier. And since it was a tie they weren't so much celebrating as getting a yanque loaded and leaving him passed out in a pile of snow.


MARCH: Fought a midget over a pack of cherry Twizzlers. Lost the fight, but gained a friend.


APRIL: Sleepy

MAY: Drove a lot. Cut my underpants off with a dull knife in the bathroom of The Middle East in Boston. Got a manicure in Harvard Square. Walked around Manhattan with a semi-permanent erection. Rediscovered what low-grade racist shit heads the citizens of Philadelphia are. Made a fool of myself in front of my parents in Baltimore. Ate good seafood.


JUNE: George Carlin died on the 22nd of this month. Nothing of equal consequence occurred to myself or anyone else on the planet Earth.


JULY: Traveled to Sydney to celebrate World Youth Day with Pope Benedict XVI. After dozens of hits of amyl nitrate the pontiff admitted that thanks to him the famed missing Nazi gold was in the Vatican's possession and was being used to settle the many priest sexual abuse lawsuits. I threatened to call Leonard Nimoy. Then he bad-touched me.


AUGUST: XXIXIIIVXC Summer Olympiad in Beijing. (Skipped IOC-mandated course on Roman numerals.) Took Silver in team Fencing. Thought I caught SARS. Turned out it was the effects of smoking too many counterfeit Marlboros. Should have realized this, as "Marlboro" is rarely spelled with multiple "Qs" Stopped at the border as I attempted to leave the country with a child-bride. "Child-bride" was in fact 42-years-old. It was her adult children who filed the complaint. All-around bad trip.


SEPTEMBER: Spent the 7th Anniversary of 9/11 in Crawford, TX doing blow with George W. Bush. Learned the true meaning of "clearing brush" from a few of daughter Jenna's sorority sisters. Bonged a shit-ton of Lone Star. Was ritually hunted by Ted Nugent. All-around good trip.


OCTOBER: Discovered the joy of pressing autumn leaves into scrapbooks! Also, discovered a massive leak in my trucks exhaust system. My physician thinks the two may be related.


NOVEMBER: Finally became old enough to be elected President. Was not, however, elected President. They gave it to some other guy.


DECEMBER: In light of my failure to be elected President I decided to abandon democratic ideals altogether. Traveled to the Channel Island of Sark in an effort to prop-up the last remaining feudal system in Europe. Disappointed to discover there were no knights on horseback there, as I had arrived dressed as a knight on horseback. Did see one guy with a silver shirt and a cricket helmet driving a golf cart. I challenged him to a tournament and was promptly arrested. Decided the islanders of Sark deserved democracy-- and all its attendant indignities. Flew home sans horse to discover there was no beer in my fridge. One last trip to the liquor store as the year fades into memory.


(have a nice New Year)
BDS 12.31.
08