My Letter to Joaquin Phoenix

(From November 6, 2008)

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

I am writing with regard to your recent decision to forgo acting in films to concentrate on a career in music. Good for you!

You have referred to music as, "greener pastures" and you couldn't be more right.

In light of that I would like to tender a modest proposal. I have been playing music for going on twenty years, and if you would care to I thought we could just "switch" jobs.

I could move to your big, expensive Manhattan "apartment," and you could come to Minneapolis and live in my tiny little box of a place.

I could be paid outrageous sums of money to squint, bob my head around the way you do and recite heartfelt words written by someone else. You could work my day job and while you're at it, try to pay off all my debts.

I could have sex with gorgeous actresses and you could have sex with no one.

Sound good, buddy?

I'll get in touch with your people and make all the necessary arrangements. You just sit down with your guitar and get to work on some songs! After all, as you said, "…so I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing… Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Wow! With a degree of commitment like that, how could you fail?

Hope to see you soon, you fucking shithead!

Sincerely,

Brian David Shuey
Minneapolis, MN


P.S. You were awesome in Space Camp.