MY LETTER TO PAT ROBERTSON

Pat Robertson has suggested that Ariel Sharon’s massive stroke was admonishment from God for having pulled Jewish settlements out of the Gaza strip, in effect “dividing” the land of Israel. (I would have put my money on Sharon’s being grossly overweight and over worked, but then I’m no doctor.)

The God of Pat Robertson is indeed a vengeful one. For those who have been paying attention, it was God who flew those planes into the World Trade Center (HE was mad that we have “homos” here in America, or more specifically, that we don’t stone them in the public square.)

God also has it in for the Township of Dover, PA. I have talked before about how proud I was that the good people of Dover saw fit to kick the “intelligent design” dinks off the school board. Pat didn’t see it that way. He suggested that since Dover had “abandoned” God, they better not count on his “protection.” So when it starts raining blood and fire in southeastern PA, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves. (That reminds me: I should call my parents and warn them!)

This GOD of ROBERTSON is really starting to scare the shit out of me. I need to get in touch with Pat and find out what’s really going on with this spiteful, homicidal lunatic!

I HAVE THEREFORE SENT PAT ROBERTSON THE FOLLOWING EMAIL: (Granted, I am adopting a different sort of tone, and yes, goofing on him quite a lot, at least I am signing my own name to it.) HERE IT IS!

Dear Mr. Robertson,

I am a young American who is VERY scared and VERY confused. The TV said that YOU said that God gave Ariel Sharon his stroke in Israel. Does God really give people strokes? I thought the Devil gave people strokes and God gave people nice things.
Am I wrong?

I went to Sunday school when I was younger, but I’m not sure I got all the right information. The lady who taught it didn’t shave her underarms or legs and sometimes she played the guitar. My Dad said that that meant she didn’t know anything about God. He said, “God wants ladies to BE LADIES and shave some places.”

My Mom told him to hush because, as she said, “it was the only church in town that would have people like us.”

So now I don’t know what to think!

A friend told me that you also said that the Twin Towers thing was God, too. He said that you said that it was because we have so many gay people in America. Well, I wouldn’t know anything about THAT, but when I was in high school we took a trip to France, and there sure were a lot of gay people there. One of them even asked me to dance! (Boy, that was weird.) But the thing is, I saw more gay people in France than I ever did in America, but God didn’t fly planes in French buildings. Then again, the French don’t really have any TALL buildings. So does God just hate gay people when they’re way up in the sky? Or does he just hate American gay people? The gay people in France didn’t seem to be scared at all. (I’ll betcha’ they SHOULD be scared though, right?)

My friend also told me that you’re mad at some town out east. He said that you said that they don’t teach the right things in their schools. He said that the school was trying to do the right thing and teach about God and stuff (Although this is where it gets weird: He said that everybody said they WEREN’T teaching about God-- because you can’t do that in regular schools— but when the people that said they weren’t teaching about God were told they couldn’t teach what they were TRYING to teach it turned out all the people who were upset about it were REALLY INTO GOD.) So were they or weren’t they? Teaching about God, I mean.

Anyway, I said that’s weird that you would say you were mad at them because you don’t live there and you don’t have kids that go to that school so I told him I didn’t think you would think it was your place to tell them what they should teach in their schools. He then said that it was God who was mad at them, not you. He said that you know just what God wants because he tells you and then you tell everybody else. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD SYSTEM TO ME!

So that’s how I figured out I should write you. If God gives people strokes when they do what he doesn’t want them to do, then I want to know what He wants ME to do. I don’t want to get a stroke, because sometimes that means you can only move one side of your body, and it looks frustrating and uncomfortable.

So if you could write me back and tell me what God wants me to do, I sure would appreciate it. My friend says that sometimes it helps to send money, except that I don’t have any right now. Maybe if you let me know what God wants, by the time I get your letter I’ll have a little more money than I do now and I could send you some. Okay?

Oh, one last thing. I was just kind of wondering what those miners in West Virginia did to get God so mad at them? Was it because they were stealing all of God’s coal? I don’t know what God would need with so much coal, but then I guess we’ve established that I don’t know much about God! (My Dad must have been right about the hairy lady with the guitar, huh.) Oh well, bye for now!

Your Friend,

Brian David Shuey

Minneapolis, MN

P.S. My friend wants me to go see that “Brokeback Mountain” movie. I told him if we did we would go to Hell. He told me that we would only go to Hell if it made us FEEL a certain way. I don’t think I should risk it, do you?