STAND BACK, PEOPLE. I'M ABOUT TO GO METRIC!

In the course of recent home improvement projects it has become painfully clear to me that the “standard” system of weights and measures in common use in the United States is an outmoded, confounding pile of shit.

I remember as an elementary school student there was a brief flirtation with “converting” all of us to metric. This ended right around the time the well-meaning but criminally naïve Jimmy Carter was drummed out of office and Cowboy Ronny rode into town and declared, “Morning in America.” (I think they turned the thermostats back up, too.)

Following that it was just the odd math or science teacher (usually something of a hippy) that would fruitlessly waste his time proselytizing to us with the banner cry, “WE’RE FALLING BEHIND THE REST OF THE WORLD, PEOPLE!”

Oh how I wish I had heeded his call! (Well, they say it’s never too late.)

So before the Chinese take over the world and force the inevitable on all of us, I am RESOLVED TO CONVERT TO THE METRIC SYSTEM. I urge all of you to join me!

You can get the ball rolling with the following handy conversion tools:

http://www.texloc.com/closet/cl_conversion.html
http://ts.nist.gov/ts/htdocs/200/202/5425.htm

I know what you’re thinking. All that math is so dry and boring! But if you if you can work it into your daily life (and have some fun with it) you’ll be METRIC before you know it!

METRICS IN THE KITCHEN:


-The 9” FROZEN PIZZA I had for dinner was actually 23 CENTIMETERS!

-The GLAZED BLUEBERRY CAKE DOUGHNUT I had for dessert was not a scant 3 ½” in diameter… but 9 CENTIMETERS!

(When I am deft enough to calculate the spike my serum cholesterol levels took in metric units, I’ll let you know.)

-Oh, and the HEINEKIN I washed it all down with wasn’t 12ozs…but a refreshing 354 MILLILITERS!


METRIC IS EVERYWHERE! EVEN YOUR BODY IS METRIC:


-How long is YOUR index finger? Mine’s 8 CENTIMETERS! (Impressed?)

-The distance between my elbow and tip of my middle finger? 42 CENTIMETERS!

-The space between my nipples? (inside edge to inside edge) 20 WHOLE CENTIMETERS! (Wow! I never would have guessed!)


BEHOLD THE WONDERS OF THE METRIC MEDICINE CABINET:


The world of medicine has been on board with the METRIC SYSTEM for ages now. I know this because the pill I take every morning (the one that is supposed to stop me from doing things like measuring the distance between my nipples) is… 100 MILLIGRAMS!

So come on kids, climb on the METRIC BANDWAGON!


Uh oh, gotta go. My coffee’s ready.. all 350 MILLILITERS OF IT!

Your friend in metrics,

Brian David Shuey