SMOKE MORE 2006!

SMOKE MORE 2006! My New Years resolution is too smoke more cigarettes in 2006 than I have in any previous year. This is no mean feat, I assure you. There are many individuals, laws and institutions that will certainly impede me in my effort. I have enemies, you see. Those that would try to thwart me. They reach far up into the corridors of power, money and prestige. They are many in number and resolute in their purpose. But they will not prevail. These do-gooders (the Waxmans, the Reiners, the Naders, the Rybacks, the Pawlentys) think they've got all the angles covered. And indeed, as I will discuss below, there is much that stands in my way. But if we all pull together, I know I can succeed.

THE DIFFICULTIES:

Experience has taught me that smoking while asleep can prove both costly and dangerous. Obviously, that eliminates a large portion of the time available to achieve my goal. I will therefore, have to be resourceful, as the following other restrictions and limitations further hamper my progress:

In college I experimented extensively with practical problems of smoking in the shower. The best I could come up with was a mildly toxic waterproofing system (patents pending, hustlers!) This had the unfortunate effect of making some of the test subjects pass out and crack their heads on the bathtub enclosure (lawsuits pending.)

Smoking during the physical act of love is-- as I have been informed of time and time again-- considered "tacky."

Smoking during funerals is frowned upon. The same goes for weddings and showers (both bridal and baby.)

Smoking in hospitals, government buildings and courts of law is right out.

One cannot smoke at day care centers, but I consider this to be a perfectly reasonable restriction. (Perhaps the only one.)

And if all that isn't enough, here in Minneapolis, I can no longer smoke in bars and restaurants. (The intention of this law was to decrease smoking. It has, in fact, simply decreased my drinking and dining out.)

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say freshman year in college was probably my peak year for cigarette consumption. Those were the heady days of the 1990s. Times have certainly changed. And given the climate I have so carefully detailed for you, I don't think I can do it alone. So following the example of my friends Jason Miller and Brian Scafaro (and turning their modest proposal quite on it's head) I will hope to enlist the aid of those around me.

THE SOLUTION:

I THEREFORE OFFER THE SUM OF $2006 TO ANYONE WHO CATCHES ME NOT SMOKING IN ANY ACCEPTABLE SITUATION.*

It will be money well spent.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation, (cough) Brian David Shuey

(*Details of this offer to be determined by my Crack Team of Lawyers. Not to be confused with my Team of Crack Lawyers, who because of their addictions are quite unreliable.)