NEVER FORGET: YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON THE PLANET

(Note: This is an excerpt from a much larger piece I’m writing on the manifold absurdities surrounding a grown man playing in rock and roll band. The title of the whole piece appears above. What follows is the second part of two-part section that deals with arranging for accommodations while on the road. It’s entitled, "Where You Guys Staying Tonight?" I do hope you enjoy it.) Brian David Shuey

It seems to be a widely held assumption that a band on the road is always looking for a party. This is not entirely true. What they ARE always looking for is a clean place to sleep. If they can manage both, all the better. But honestly, you are lucky if you manage one of the two. You may therefore have to choose. Ask yourself the following question: "Do you want to party?"
More to the point, ask yourself, "DO YOU WANT TO PARTY, MOTHERFUCKER!" Do it in just such a fashion, and you may realize is all you really want to do is sleep. But let’s assume you have chosen to party. There are exactly six types of parties you will encounter on tour. They are as follows:


THE PARTY THAT IS NOT A PARTY: This involves the following players

A) Your host.

B) One or more of his roommates who—if they had known there would be bands staying at the house every other week-- would never have signed the lease. *

C) The refrigerator. The refrigerator has exactly two beers in it. No more, no less.

Two minutes after you arrive, one of the roommates will poke his head out of his bedroom and with the most menacing look he can muster, shout, "I got work in the morning, shut the fuck up!"

The host will then whisper, "That’s my roommate Jim, He’s an asshole."

(Jim is, of course, not an asshole at all. He’s just a guy who has to work in the morning. Also, since you are a band on tour, he is keenly aware that YOU haven’t been to work in weeks. That does not put you much in his favor. And of course, don't forget our principal rule: YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON THE PLANET. Put it all together and you may begin to see why he doesn’t want you there.)

After Jim's outburst the host will tiptoe into the kitchen to retrieve the two beers. He will take one for himself and give the other to you to split--possibly five ways. Fifteen minutes of uncomfortable whispering will then ensure as the host attempts to answer the age-old question, "How low can you play a Stooges album before it ceases to be a Stooges album and in fact becomes ‘silence.’"

You will then attempt to get a good night’s sleep on a hardwood floor knowing that not ten feet away a total stranger is burning with hatred for you.

* A word of advice: To avoid Jim’s fate, think real hard before you decide to live with a college radio DJ or self-styled "promoter."


THE PARTY THAT WAS ALMOST A PARTY:

Same scenario as above, add two more beers.


THE GOOD PARTY: The most rare of all, but they DO occasionally occur.

First of all, it’s not being held in the same place you will be staying. This is nice because it means you will not have to sleep in spilled malt liquor and cigarette butts. Also, when your host says, "It’s real close by, though." He isn’t bullshitting. This is key because it means you won’t get lost going from one place to the other.

The people at the "Good Party" are bright and charming. They have lots of booze and seem happy to share it with you. Some of them may have even seen you play earlier, and one or two will even say something complimentary.

Even though you are far from home, at the "Good Party" you will invariably encounter someone with whom you share a mutual friend. You will end up getting along famously with this person and laughing a great deal. They will remind you a lot of this mutual friend. You will instantly feel less homesick.

-No one will try to fight you.
-No one will throw up on your stuff.
-Your van will not be broken into.


THE NOT-SO-BAD PARTY:

Same scenario as above, but you will have to drive all over an unfamiliar city following your host who does not use his turn signals and runs through every yellow light. You will get lost a few times on the way there. When you arrive, it’s still the "Good Party," but since it took you half the night to find it, it’s pretty much over.


THE BLACK LABEL PUNK ROCK HOUSE PARTY!!!

Remember our question from earlier? "DO YOU WANT TO PARTY, MOTHERFUCKER?" Well, if you find yourself at the B.L.P.R.H.P., your answer better have been "yes."

The first thing you will notice about the B.L.P.R.H.P. is that everything is broken. Items you didn’t even think were CAPABLE of breaking lay shattered everywhere.

"Did you have you had your tetanus booster before you left home?"

If not, don’t touch anything.

The second thing you’ll notice is the smell. No one should smell worse than a band that has been on tour for three weeks, yet somehow everyone there smells worse than you. The women won’t even talk to you because you are not sufficiently filthy. Your presence is mildly tolerated because you are in a band, but because that band isn’t MISERY, no one will really want to have anything to do with you.

Some of the guest’s young children may also be present. You will recognize them as such because their personal hygiene habits will have been passed down to them from their parents. Do not try to interact with these kids. I mean it. They bite.

The most remarkable feature, however, will be the truly astounding quantities of "Carling’s Black Label" in 12-ounce cans. The stuff will literally be shoved into every open space not occupied by a human being, dog, filthy child or broken object. It is-- in almost all cases-- community beer. So drink up. I mean it; keep your head down, your mouth shut and drink as much as you possibly can. The reason for this is simple; if you get good and drunk it will be much easier to deal with the following, inevitable occurrences:

-Your drummer has gotten into a fistfight.
-Someone has thrown up on your stuff.
-Your van has been broken into.


And finally….

THE BLACK LABEL PUNK ROCK HOUSE PARTY…WITH KNIVES!!!

Same scenario as above, but people will be openly brandishing knives. Get the fuck out quick, and maybe your van won’t get broken into.

Brian David Shuey 01/06


Look for more excerpts from NEVER FORGET: YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON THE PLANET to come, including, "Undatable," "Dealing With the Sound Guy" and "Keep It In Your Pants, Junior!"