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Monday, April 21, 2008

27 THINGS I WANT FOR MY 34TH BIRTHDAY

(From November 20, 2007)

If you should be unable to obtain one or more of the following items I will accept your presence at GRUMPY'S downtown on Wednesday, November 21 after 10:00 PM as acceptable! BDS


Coupon for a free massage, bubble tea and hand finish from one of those shady massage parlors listed in the back of the City Pages

15th Century Venetian merchants costume (don't ask)

Atomic toothpaste

Rare photo of Geli Raubal pissing in Adolph Hitler's mouth (If unavailable, I will accept a photo of Hitler fellating Ernst Rohm)

Original draft of the Magna Carta stained with King John's tears

Israeli-made Merkava MK-4 Main Battle Tank

John the Baptist's shaving kit from the reliquary in the basement of The Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, Turin Italy

A 19-year-old Dutch girl to sit in my kitchen naked and roll cigarettes for me

Tommy John Ligament replacement surgery for my right elbow

A jewel-encrusted Dunhill cigarette case fit for a Saudi prince (and by "fit for" I mean so garishly expensive only a Saudi prince would own one) Try Harrods in London or maybe J.N. Barber, LTD.

Mint-Condition 1939 PLAY BALL Ted Williams card 92

A date with Kerry Howley

1921 First Edition of H.L. Mencken's book, "The American Language: An Inquiry Into the Development of English in the United States"

A NEW NAME FOR THE NEW BAND! PLEASE!

Dane Cook. Dead.

82-foot West Bay SonShip custom duel-station-raised-pilot-house motor yacht

A baby hippo (What? They're cute)

$15,000 ELP Laser Turntable

1944 North American P-51 Mustang with Rolls Royce Merlin engine and (6) operational .50 caliber machine guns

Flying lessons

One bottle of 50-year-old GLENFIDDICH Scotch in a hand made oak box with a brass plaque declaring how awesome I am

A Brazilian model with an "innie" belly button for me to drink outrageously expensive scotch out of

Solid gold shower and bath fixtures fit for an Enron executive

GUIDED BY VOICES to reform for one performance-- at my birthday party, of course!

FREEDOM FROM UNDERWEAR!

TWINS season tickets. Good ones.

A little "leg" would be nice

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