A ONE ACT PLAY ABOUT GAY SPACE ALIENS

(From September 13, 2007)

THE VOYAGER HAS LANDED

By

Brian David Shuey

SCENE:

P'Tang, a gay outer space alien is sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast. His boyfriend, Korg bursts in, clearly agitated.

KORG: (holding some smoldering, metallic debris) "Damn fucking space junk!"

P'TANG: "What is it? What's the matter?"

KORG: "This just landed in the back yard. It crushed my good bobo bush."

P'TANG: "Oh shoot, I was going to use bobos in the salad tonight! I've been bragging to Christopher and Stephen all week how good the bobos were this year. Now I'll have to use ones from the store. We should really call someone and complain."

KORG: "It won't do any good. This isn't a government satellite. Look at the writing"

P'TANG: (tries to read aloud) "V-O-Y-A-G-E-R. What is that? What do you think it means?"

KORG: "I think it's some kind of probe. It came with a shiny metal disc with some weird instructions engraved on it. Like a recording. I think we're supposed to play it."

P'TANG: "Oh, don't! What if it's a weapon or something?"

KORG: "No planet that produces shitty, backward-assed stuff like this is going to be able to send a weapon to another galaxy."

P'TANG: (inspecting the disc) "Ooh, I think I figured it out. You put this pointy thingy in the surface of the disc and spin it."

KORG: "I'm not fooling around with that. Just put it in the Nexophone."

P'TANG: "What makes you think the Nexophone will play it?"

KORG: "Look, I paid 600 xenars for that Nexophone, and the kid at the store told me it will play ANY format in the universe. It will even translate it."

P'TANG: "That kid at the store could have sold you anything! I remember how you were looking at him."

KORG: "Not now with that shit, P'Tang! Just play the thing."

(P'tang fusses with the Nexophone, annoyed, finally the disc begins playing)

FROM THE NEXOPHONE: "Greetings from Earth!" MESSAGE CONTINUES "Greetings from Earth." Nexophone continues to play the 44 different messages in 44 different Earth languages, translating all of them into, "Greetings from Earth."

KORG: "You gotta be fucking kidding me. My BEST bobo bush, just so these idiots could say, 'hello?"

P'TANG: "Ooh, there's more. There's pictures!"

(NEXOPHONE BEGINS SHOWING IMAGES OF EARTH)

KORG: "Oh, these really are a simple bunch of fucks! 'Look at us! Little pink and brown hair-less freaks who have mastered flight!'"

P'TANG: "Stop it! I think they're quaint. Charming, even."

KORG: (Points at screen) "Oh really? You think THAT'S charming?"

P'TANG: (Looks on at an image of a nursing mother) "Ewww! Oh no, what is it doing?"

KORG: "Apparently, their young eat the bulbous, fleshy bags hanging from the thorax of the adult females."

P'TANG: "Oh man, that's just fucking GROSS!"

KORG: "Quaint, indeed."

P'TANG: "Still, the PLANET looks nice. Sort of reminds me of Verillia 3."

KORG: "Verilla 3? Ha! Verillia 3 is a pleasure planet where young Verillian boys massage your…"

P'TANG: (interrupts) "Yes, I'm well aware of what you used to do before we met. I don't need a reminder."

KORG: (abruptly) "We should invade them!"

P'TANG: "What? It's just a bobo bush, get over it!"

KORG: "No, it's not about the bush. We should invade them on fucking principle alone!"

P'TANG: "What's gotten into you?"

KORG: "Look, they're like idiot children. They need to be taught a lesson. They send a probe out into the vastness of space, that says, "Hello, we're infantile little brats taking our first tentative steps beyond the confines of our own jerk-water planet (which, by the way, here are directions to should you care to visit.) We wanted to make sure anyone who finds this message knows how clever we think we are to have figured out how to calculate the circumference of a circle, but are for the most part just soft, pink, squishy, defenseless little creeps."

P'TANG: "And just where were you planning to get an inter-galactic ship for this 'invasion' of yours?"

KORG: "You said it yourself, Christopher and Stephen are coming to dinner tonight, we can use theirs."

P'TANG: "But I wanted to go to the lake after dinner!"

KORG: "Damn it! You can go to the lake any time!"

P'TANG: (sulking) "Well…"

KORG: "Well what?"

P'TANG: "I was just thinking that the metal the disc is made out of is kind of pretty. I could use it for the ankle bracelets I've been making. You know, the one's I was going to see if Christopher wanted to sell in his shop. If we invade this 'Earth' place I could bring loads of it back with us."

KORG: "You are seriously the gayest outer space alien ever."

END