OH NO! I'M CAUGHT IN ANOTHER SEX SCANDEL

(From March 13, 2008)

So it’s happened again.

I was just trying to make a little extra money-- moonlighting as a receptionist at THE EMPEROR’S CLUB-- and whom should I end up talking to? Now former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Here’s the transcript of our conversation, currently sealed by the Feds.

(Don’t tell them I shared it with you.)

BDS

Client 9: "Hello, I’m calling about ’Kristen.’"

Me: "Oh yes, the brunette. Yeah, she’s dishy."

Client 9: "I know she’s ’dishy.!’ I don’t need your goddamned opinion on the matter. Just set it up."

Me: "Okay. No need to get in a huff. Just making conversation."

Client 9: "I didn’t call here to talk to you, you fucking insect. I’m a busy man. Let’s just get this done."

Me: "Very well. When did you want to see her?"

Client 9: "This Thursday. I need her to be in D.C. by eight o’clock."

Me: "This Thursday? So, quite the romantic I see."

Client 9: "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

Me: "Well, Thursday is Valentine’s Day. I just think its kind of sweet that..."

Client 9: "Sweet? I’m paying for pussy you imbecile! There’s nothing sweet about it. If I were sweet I’d be spending the night with my wife."

Me: "Yes, I see your point. So, Thursday in Washington. Will you be arranging transportation?"

Client 9: "Yes, I’ll have a car there by 2 PM."

Me: "Sir, I suppose I should point out that by transporting ’Kristen’ from New York State to the District of Columbia and, well, for the purposes under which you intend to employ her, you will likely be violating the Mann..."

Client 9: "I don’t need a lecture on the fucking Mann Act! I was A-G for the entire state of... Wait, forget that last part."

Me: "Forget what part, Prince Charming?"

Client 9: "Listen, if anyone asks, I’m Rudy Giuliani."

Me: "Whatever you say, sir. Now how would you like to pay?"

Client 9: "Same as always, I’ll wire the four thousand to your account."

Me: "I’m sorry sir, but an hour of ’Kristen’s’ time bills-out at five thousand."

Client 9: "Five thousand! Fuck you!"

Me: "So you really want to do this? Try to haggle with me over the price?"

Client 9: "Listen you turd, I didn’t get where I am by taking the first thing that’s offered. Last time we met-up I could still smell the Saudi on her. I want a price cut. Forty-three hundred tops."

Me: "Very well, sir. Forty-three it is. (Quietly) Something tells me she’s going to be able to spin your little encounters into quite a lot more-- and soon, too."

Client 9: "What was that?"

Me: "Oh nothing, sir. ’Kristen’ will be waiting at the usual pick-up spot. Have a safe and pleasant Valentine’s Day."